If we complain to a third party about someone else, they may suggest we “step in their shoes” or “see it from their perspective” – also good advice but a challenge to put into practice when you are experiencing righteous indignation and we are more inclined to set the other person’s shoes on fire rather than to step into them.

There is a technique, if practiced, that can help you to see things from multiple perspectives, including your own, the other person’s and gain insight into the contextual forces that are driving both of your behaviors. With this insight you will have choice over your emotion, communication and actions, you will have Self-leadership.

This technique called the ‘Step Back Process” works because you have the ability to think about your thinking; without moving a muscle you can shift mental perspective and notice what you are thinking and feeling relative to a stimulus, whether that be person or an event. As mentioned  earlier, this is easy to do when you are calm and much harder to do when you are angry and plugged in which is why it is good to practice this with something that is not a 10 on your emotional scale. Think of something that annoys (a 2 or 3 on your emotional scale), such as somebody cutting in front of in traffic.

Even with this low level trigger it is difficult to see the world from the other person’s view, but if you instead shift your perspective to be an observer of the incident. Imagine you are standing on the sidewalk as neutral observer of both cars, what would you think and feel then? You would be able to see both points of view, you could empathize with both drivers who are trying to do their best to get where they are going as quickly as possible in traffic.

We have all experienced the observer position, for example, when two friends or associates are quarreling and we can see both sides of the argument. What we need to do is to train ourselves to take this observer position in our own lives. When we feel triggered we need to make it a habit to ‘step back’ into this observer perspective as soon as possible, because from this point of view we can be curious about what made us react, we can examine our frames of mind and assumptions and from here we can make better choices about how we act.

First perspective is from our point of view. Second perspective from the ‘others’ point of view. Third perspective is the observers point of view. when we train our self to go to third perspective first, we can then explore positions one and two in way that will get useful information.

There is a fourth perspective in any communication or conflict, this is the ‘context’, ’system’, ‘culture’ or the ‘rules of the game’. In my traffic example the system would be the road rules and the context would be any changes in the environment, such as road works. At work the system could be a standard operating procedure and behavior could be affected by the organizational culture.

To really understand why we behave the way we do and why others do what they do we must learn to operate from multiple perspectives. To just think you are right and they are wrong is immature and selfish; people do what they do because it feels right to them but when we work together we must consider what is best for ourselves and the group. When we take responsibility for our perspective and invite others to do the same we can communicate at a much higher level and give ourselves the flexibility to update our perspective with new information.

Is operating from multiple perspectives easy? Of course not, when we are tired and stressed it is easy to be hijacked by our emotional self and see the world in black and white, right and wrong terms.

Is operating form multiple perspectives worthwhile? Absolutely, the more we can do this the more leadership we can exert – over ourselves and the situation. So, step back and take a deep breath and observe your situation anew.

This promises to be a fun and interactive session where I will be sharing how to:

• Build your personal brand
• Identify your bosses’ ‘currencies’
• Communicate on your boss’ wavelength
• Get free coaching from your boss
• Be proactive and anticipate your boss’ needs
• Get your ideas heard
• Get a promotion or a raise

Tickets are just $228 if you book before Feb 17th and $288 after that. Contact Azimah at our office to make a booking. Whether you are a junior or a senior executive can you afford to miss this?

In Summary this is what I shared:

• Communication is about creating shared meaning and understanding
• Be mindful  of how your message will be received understood, and adapt accordingly
• Always check if your communication is received and understood
• Listen for how the other person feels about the information (emotional response)
• Aim to create dialogue. Try saying”do you mind if I ask you a question?
• Discover what’s important to them. Ask, “what’s important to you about this?”
• Summarise the conversation to confirm understanding
• Suspend your own mental maps to avoid missing out on the other person’s perspective
• Be ok with silence – the other person is probably processing what you said.

What I didn’t say in the interview which is very important, is that you must get the other parties attention first. An obvious tip but one that is often missed.

Women often complain that, ” Men Don’t Listen”. They may be correct, some men and for that matter, some women don’t listen. What is perhaps closer to the truth is that men ‘listen’ for the things that are important to them that are phrased in a way that they understand.

I live by the maxim, “The meaning of communication is the response you get”, which puts the onus on the communicator to be flexible in their communication style to get their meaning across.

Today I spoke  on this topic at the Women’s Leadership Forum 2011, “Gender Diversity for Success” on November 3, 2012 in Singapore. If you attended please give feedback in the comments section and you can view the slide deck here.

The answer as to whether culture can be taught,  lies not in the new culture but with the individual who is in the new culture. The cross cultural training programmes certainly help in guiding individuals in understanding generic cultural attributes that may differ; such as high context versus low context, direct versus indirect communication styles. However, learning about these differences does not mean that we can change these behaviours and values of that culture. On the contrary, what it actually achieves is to make us aware of our instinctive reactions to these differences. From this awareness, we can begin to learn and potentially then collaborate towards appropriate actions and outcomes.

Culture and universal needs

In most cultures, I believe, there are more similarities than there are differences. Fundamentally, when we deal with other cultures we are referring to a collection of people with certain behaviours, values and beliefs. This becomes the collective context in which the culture operates in, that the outside world ‘sees and experiences’. However, going beyond the collective to the individual level; the context is driven more by personal motivations and values. Sometimes there is a strong correlation between the individual and collective context but at other times there is not.

Which is why when I led cross cultural teams in Europe, I did not worry too much about the cultures of my team members. Instead I spent time understanding who they were and their motivations. In one instance, there was much cultural diversity – with myself, an Asian, leading a mix of continental Europeans (Dutch and Portuguese), British and a New Zealander in Portugal! The team dynamics were certainly interesting. What was common in most of the teams I led was a universal need: a sense of belonging and alignment to the organisation, driven by their personal motivations and values.

Culture in context

A few years back I was with a British friend in a 5 star hotel in Singapore. Repeated requests for service at one of the restaurants went unheeded. As we were pressed for time we did not leave. Eventually we had the supervisor come to serve us and I mentioned my disappointment with the service. Ironically it was my British friend who interjected saying that it was understandable and progressed to ordering our meal. As the supervisor left, my friend told me that the Asian culture does not like to ‘lose face’ and that I should not complain. I was amused. Here was my British friend telling me about the Asian culture.

At the best of times learning theoretically about another culture only reveals the outer layers – traditions and custom (dos and don’ts). This can lead to the tendency to take things literally. To really understand and appreciate a culture, the finer nuances, we need to get to the inner layers or core – values and beliefs, which requires time, effort and is usually experienced when living amongst the culture.

It was my friend’s second business trip to Asia and his feel for the culture was what he had ‘learnt’ and applicable in all contexts. It is only when you get to know a culture better that you are able to appreciate the context in which it works. I was impressed with my friend’s effort to learn about the Asian culture prior to his visit. I was not in disagreement with him. However, the context mattered. To condone poor service, on ‘saving face’, was doing a disservice to the supervisor, restaurant and the branded hotel that it belonged to, especially given Singapore’s pride in its customer service.

Culture beyond collective behaviours

In a past article I mentioned that culture can often be used as a shield and in the process we sideline our own common sense. A form of groupthink, ‘it’s the way it is’, can arise as a means to shrug responsibility, plead ignorance and play victim rather than victor. However, when I decipher a culture, I usually find more individuals who want to be victors rather than victims.

My intermittent years, totaling eighteen, outside Malaysia has taught me that although the globe comprises many cultures, underlying these cultures are a set of individuals with personal motivations and values. To derive these, when working with other cultures, requires us to be open, flexible and empathetic in our approach. These are skills that I would include in cross-cultural training programmes.

In all my experiences with new cultures, I took myself and some key skills which included remaining open, listening and observing. Asking appropriate questions to learn and decipher. As the barriers and shields came down, the authenticity of the people emerged. At this stage we were ‘homogenous’ and had transcended the old collective behaviours.

To go beyond collective behaviours requires energy and a belief in people and their personal motivations and values!

This article was first published in Malaysian Business Magazine, June 16, 2011

With blogs, YouTube and Facebook pages it is now possible for people to let the world know what they think about you.

Corporate reputation is based on the perceptions of any stakeholder group such as consumers, investors, employees, or key influencers. Charles J. Fombrun has listed six drivers of corporate reputation:

1. Emotional Appeal
- Good feeling about the company
- Admire and respect the company
- Trust the company
2. Products and Services
- Company believes in its products and services
- Company offers high quality products and services
- Develops innovative products and services
- Offers product and services that are good value
3. Vision and Leadership
- Has excellent leadership
- Has a clear vision for the future
- Recognizes and takes advantage of market opportunities
4. Workplace Environment
- Is well managed
- Appears to be a good company to work for
- Appears to have good employees
5. Financial Performance
- History of profitablility
- Appears a low risk investment
- Strong prospects for future growth
- Tends to outperform its competitors
6. Social Responsibility
- Supports good causes
- Environmentally responsible
- Treats people well

This list can be used as a scorecard to measure the health of your reputation. I recommend that you use it when having leadership meetings, getting employee and customer feedback. You must jealously guard your reputation for as Ben Franklin wrote,  “It takes many good deeds to build a good reputation, and only one bad one to lose it”

NLP for Speakers and Trainers

Workshop in Singapore, June 22-24, 2011

Most of us have experienced a boring speaker or found ourselves wondering at the relevance of a training we  were attending. Conversely when we have been engaged, enthralled and excited by a masterful presentation our minds become curious, ”how did the speaker get to be so good”.

Speaking can change minds and Training can be the most effective way of developing behaviours and skills in an organisation, however when done badly both are a waste of time and money. Download brochure.

Neuro Linguistic Programming

Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) allows us to model or understand any human experience or behaviour is constructed and then duplicate or improve upon it. With this knowledge speakers and trainers can strengthen what they do well, eliminate what doesn’t work and incorporate the best practices of the masters in the field. Think about how powerful it will be when you can compress your learning curve and to increase the value you offer to your students or clients.

Imagine stepping in front of your audience feeling confident, relaxed and focused. Picture yourself connecting with individuals, seeing eye to eye and noticing the subtle non-verbal cues that let you know just how to land your message in a way that just makes sense.

With NLP skills you can structure a speech or training in ways to facilitate accelerated learning, reduce resistance and increase buy-in because NLP teaches you how the mind and body really work. Download brochure.

Speaking and Training Skills

If you are a new or seasoned speaker, trainer, coach or lecturer then you will want to develop your skills to positively influence and audience. In the NLP for Speakers and Trainers program you will learn about:

• Training State – how to overcome fear and increase confidence and focus
• Training Design – how to plan your presentation to get maximum learning, engagement and application
• Managing the Audience – how to influence the audience’s thinking and feeling
• Unconscious Learning – how to overcome resistance and create a deeper impact
• Closing the Knowing-doing gap – how to turn ideas into actions

Plus you will be personally coached to the next level in your presentation skills.

If you are in Singapore or can travel then Download the brochure for more details.

NLP is essentially a model of learning and demonstrates that we can model human thinking, behaviour and communication.

‘Neuro’ refers to our nervous system and recognises that communication is so much more than words. When we give or receive information our neurology and our physiology (mind-body system) is affected. We re-present reality on the screen of our mind.

‘Linguistic’ refers to the way that words create meanings when they are used to communicate. Humans are meaning making machines and are eager to make ‘sense’ of any communication. In the urgency to make meanings from events or communication, dis-empowering conclusions are often drawn.

‘Programming’ infers that we can take control of this process and run it more effectively, just like computer software. With NLP, if something is not working for you it is possible to re-program your neurology and physiology to behave in a different and more empowering way.

Initially the Neuro Linguisitic Programming model was used in therapy, but people quickly recognised its uselfullness in communication, selling and influence. Personally I found knowing NLP to be highly useful in my coaching practice.

Much of NLP has been absorbed into other fields and Neuro-Semantics is is an evolution/fusion of Neuro Linguistic Programming, Cognitive Behaviourism and General Semantics. Neuro-Semantics, developed by Dr L. Michael Hall and Dr Bobby Bodenhamer, is about translating great ideas into reality, about performing our highest meanings, about enriching our performances with the most compelling intentions, and getting to the heart of things via communication. 

Neuro-Semantics brings awareness to the simple fact; that we create meaning out of what happens and is said to us (semantics), and we get those meanings incorporated into our mind-body system (neurology). Then how these meanings drive our behaviours and how these behaviours determine our success or failure.

I am grateful to both NLP and Neuro-Semantics as they gave me an early framework that was foundational in my researching the field of Self-leadership and I still teach a class on NLP for Speakers and Trainers.

The 7%, 38%, 55% Myth

You may be familiar with the above statistics which are regularly rolled out by communication trainers to make the point that tonality (38%) and body language/facial expressions (55%) are important in getting your message across. The irony is that people, who I believe should know better, are promoting a myth by quoting statistics without knowing what they mean.

Think about it. If verbal communication only accounts for 7% of a message then we could all communicate by mime, charades would be easy and we could watch foreign language films with the sub-titles turned off.

Try this: Turn to a friend or colleague and try to communicate without words, “I feel deeply about global warming because I feel as humans we have a responsibility to our environment and the generations that follow us.” It’s not possible but according to some so-called specialists we should be able to get 93% of this message across.

Words are very important, they create meaning. We can use words to inspire, motivate and to reframe toxic or unresourceful mindsets. As a professional speaker and executive coach I would be lost without words.

The Truth about Tonality and Facial Expression

I am grateful for ad article published in Anchor Point by Dr. C. E. “Buzz” Johnson who investigated the origin of the the 7-38-55% myth.

The originator of the 7-38-55 theory was Albert Mehrabian, Ph.D of UCLA. He speaks of it in two books, Silent Messages published in 1971, and Nonverbal Communications published in 1972. In these two books, he refers to research projects which were published in various professional journals.  .

Mehrabrian was interested in how we decode inconsistent messages such as whether we like or dislike something and found that the facial component of communication carried a 2/3 waiting to the verbal 1/3.  Consider having to say you like your hosts cooking when it tastes like burnt rubber.

The Journal of Consulting Psychology, 1967, Vol. 31. No. 3 contains a description of an experiment using the neutral word “Maybe”.

Three female speakers were tape recorded saying that word while varying their tone of voice so as to communicate three different attitudes (i.e., like, neutral, and dislike) towards an imagined addressee. Then the tapes were listened to by 17 female subjects with instructions to imagine that the speaker is saying this word to another person and judged by the tones what the speaker’s attitude is towards that imaginary addressee. So there was no direct feedback by anyone who was being addressed. It was a number of third-party listeners who were asked to mind-read, guess, interpret, imagine, etc., how the speaker felt towards someone who wasn’t even there and, in fact, didn’t even exist. There was no way to see or hear the reactions of this phantom individual, about whom someone was going to make several long-lasting and powerful speculations.

Next, black and white photographs were taken of three female models as they attempted to use facial expressions to communicate like, neutrality, and dislike towards another person. Then photos were shown to the same 17 subjects with the instructions that they would be shown the pictures and at the same time hear a recording of the word “maybe” spoken in different tones of voice. “You are to imagine that the person you see and hear (A) is looking at and talking to another person (B).” For each presentation they were to indicate on a rating scale what they thought A’s attitude was toward B. Again, third-party mind-reading with no direct contact with the person addressed, B, because that person was non-existent. The conclusions from this experiment were that the facial components were stronger than the vocal by the ratio of 3/2. This research combined with another from the Journal of personality and Social Psychology, 1967, Vol. 6, No. 1 on Decoding of Inconsistent Communications created the .07, .38, and .55 coefficients.

Improving your Verbal and Non-Verbal Communication

Remember the research projects were limited to a single word not words but when communicating we must remember that our facial expressions and tone give listeners clues as to how to decode our message.

The old addage – “It’s not what you say it’s how you say it.” Should be updated to, “It’s what you say AND how you say it.”

To get you message across; get your facts right, make a connection between your facts and what they mean to you and your audience, and let your face and hands show you believe it.

If you are interested in developing your communication or presentation skills you can visit www.selfleadership.com.sg