1. Long haul flights are longer with kids. Remember the scene in Shrek where donkey asks, “Are we there yet?” I think this is because children live in the present and have little concept of delayed gratification.
2. Vomit is inevitable – Different food and new bugs will undoubtedly lead to the up-chuck. There is nothing more exciting than you and your child being covered in vomit on the Paris metro, so pack a change for you kids AND yourself.
3. It’s not your holiday – forget that museum or show you wanted to see, a holiday with kids requires them to be entertained first.
4. You get massive enjoyment doing the simple things when you see them through a child’s eyes.
5. Patience is like money, it can run out so make sure you have plenty of it.
6. Kids can be both ‘creatures of habit’ and remarkably flexible – Your family holiday will show you where in your life you need to develop flexibility.
7. A successful family holiday requires both parents to be a tag-team; with clear communication your marriage and your family will be strengthened.

I am just getting over the jet-lag and reflecting on the great memories we created together; perhaps you would like to share your tips and learning from travelling with kids?

NLP for Speakers and Trainers

Workshop in Singapore, June 22-24, 2011

Most of us have experienced a boring speaker or found ourselves wondering at the relevance of a training we  were attending. Conversely when we have been engaged, enthralled and excited by a masterful presentation our minds become curious, ”how did the speaker get to be so good”.

Speaking can change minds and Training can be the most effective way of developing behaviours and skills in an organisation, however when done badly both are a waste of time and money. Download brochure.

Neuro Linguistic Programming

Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) allows us to model or understand any human experience or behaviour is constructed and then duplicate or improve upon it. With this knowledge speakers and trainers can strengthen what they do well, eliminate what doesn’t work and incorporate the best practices of the masters in the field. Think about how powerful it will be when you can compress your learning curve and to increase the value you offer to your students or clients.

Imagine stepping in front of your audience feeling confident, relaxed and focused. Picture yourself connecting with individuals, seeing eye to eye and noticing the subtle non-verbal cues that let you know just how to land your message in a way that just makes sense.

With NLP skills you can structure a speech or training in ways to facilitate accelerated learning, reduce resistance and increase buy-in because NLP teaches you how the mind and body really work. Download brochure.

Speaking and Training Skills

If you are a new or seasoned speaker, trainer, coach or lecturer then you will want to develop your skills to positively influence and audience. In the NLP for Speakers and Trainers program you will learn about:

• Training State – how to overcome fear and increase confidence and focus
• Training Design – how to plan your presentation to get maximum learning, engagement and application
• Managing the Audience – how to influence the audience’s thinking and feeling
• Unconscious Learning – how to overcome resistance and create a deeper impact
• Closing the Knowing-doing gap – how to turn ideas into actions

Plus you will be personally coached to the next level in your presentation skills.

If you are in Singapore or can travel then Download the brochure for more details.

The feed-forward and feed-back loops between our selves and the world explains how we program effective or limiting behaviours.

Our existing ‘frames of mind’ (beliefs, values, identity etc) drive how think and feel and therefore our behaviours; what we do and how we do it, what we say and how we say it. This is our output. Simultaneously we receive input from the world around us which includes feedback from our outputs (behaviours). Inputs can confirm or alter our ‘frames of mind’ depending if we are open to the feedback.

Let’s look at some examples. Let’s imagine I have a frame of mind that health and fitness is import to me and so I think and feel I should go to the gym. When I do go to the gym, I give myself self-feedback and think to myself how commiitted I am to exercise; now I reinforce the program of myself as a fit person. Alternatively, perhaps I think I should lose weight but I feel like an ice cream and chocolate, I eat the chocolate, but now I guilt myself for doing it and start to program myself as a lousy at weight loss.

We can take this to another level; maybe you perceive your workplace as hostile and so don’t share your ideas or offer to help colleagues. They respond in kind and make your life difficult – can you see the self-fulfilling prophesy? What if instead you see your work place as an opportunity to contribute and be creative, you give freely of your ideas and assistance to your team members, and they reciprocate and support you with your projects. Now you are a positive influencer to those around you which is a common side-affect of self-leadership.

Of course this doesn’t always hold true. There are influences in the environment that may give us negative feedback even for positive behaviours; for example you may work in an environment that doesn’t value creative behaviour and you may get scolded for attempting such behaviours. When these events happen during our youth they can be very formative.

A journalist I know was quite the artist when she was at school. A temporary teacher encouraged her to let her imagination run wild and draw what she wanted. Following these instructions she created an excellent sketch of young muscular bare chested man. When the regular teacher returned she was shocked at the image, perceiving it as lewd she dragged this young student to the principles offices where she was severely reprimanded. Now this young lady could have decided at this point that art is risky endeavour but instead she exercised self-leadership and used this sense of injustice as an intrinsic motivation to express herself, which has made her successful as an adult.

I had a similar experience when I was in primary school. The music teacher told me I couldn’t sing and should mime when the school sang as a choir. However this did not fire me up to prove her wrong and so even today I am a bit embarrassed to sing in public. Hang on, I hear you say, but as an author on self-leadership shouldn’t you have re-programmed yourself to overcome this? You are probably right, but I have chosen to develop other skills. I do know that if I want to I have could invest the time and energy to do so I can expunge the influence of an inadequate educator who was more interested in her choir than the development of self-esteem and confidence of a 4 year old.

Overcomming Toxic Behavioural Programming

How do we get overcome old behavioural programming? Well first it starts with self-observation.

For example, maybe you think you are mediocre at presenting information to senior managers so you feel a bit anxious but do it anyway. After the presentation you get positive feedback from your boss and peers which builds a frame of mind that you are pretty good at presenting after all. Conversley you might think you are pretty good at report writing but after writing a report you get scolded by you boss and start to doubt youself. The result, you dislike report writing and avoid them where possible.

The crux of Self-leadership is our choice; we choose our thoughts, feelings and behaviours and with Self-observation we can choose our ‘frames of mind’. When we meet challenge or adversity, it is our choices that form either empowering or disempowering ‘Frames of Mind’ which in turn will drive our thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

In my upcommng new book with Dr. Ana Kazan we share strategies for developing your self-leadership and increasing productivity, creativity, innovation and postivive influence.

“Why should we not calmly and patiently review our own thoughts, and thoroughly examine and see what these appearances in us really are?”- Plato

Self-leadership begins with self-observation, which means noticing our thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Self-observation is like checking the instruments of an airplane to ensure it is flying level and on course. By checking in on ourselves we can make adjustments which allow us to be more purposeful and effective.

Self-observation, also known as introspection, contemplation and self-reflection is simple but not always easy. When we observe we find it difficult not to judge and self-judgment can be painful because So many of us have been taught or conditioned in childhood that we’re not good, we’re lacking, we’re not good enough. And so that makes us very reluctant to look at ourselves.

Self-observation should not be confused with your super-ego which may have been programmed by authority figures or religion to guilt and shame us when we have certain thoughts. Many religions have a very limited application of self-observation; because they “know” what’s right and wrong they have a list of sinful thoughts, feelings and behaviours to look out for.

Self-observation in a self-leadership context is about making a commitment to learn the truth about yourself and your world, no matter what it is. This requires comparing, but not judging, our thoughts, feelings and behaviours with feedback we get from the world around us so that we don’t get caught up in our own fantasies and biases.

Self-observation is about when, why and under what condition you exhibit certain behaviours; questions to ask yourself include:

• What do I think/ feel about this?
• How is my body responding? (stress, relaxation, pleasure etc)
• What am I paying attention to?
• What am I paying undue attention to?
• What are my distractions?
• What are my biases?
• What am I unaware of?
• Am I focused on problems or opportunities?

Self-observation is about how you run your psychological machinery; “What’s going on? What’s behind that? What else can I learn about this?” This enquiry must be undertaken with the commitment to accept whatever you learn about yourself; to quote a maxim. “The truth will set you free.”

Allow me to share a concrete example. Recently I was in a meeting with a potential client for my consulting services; the client had kept me waiting, shown me into an interview room and then said, “Tell me about yourself”. I asked if they had heard of my work or read the bio data that had been sent to them, the responded with, “no we are just looking for some vendors”. At this I felt myself becoming angry and indignant, I noticed the muscles of my jaw becoming tense and my mouth dry. My self-observation noted that my ego had been threatened and that I had been labelled a vendor when I preferred to work as a partner in creating solutions. Self-observation allowed me to notice all of this before I engaged in a behaviour that would have guaranteed me not getting the contract. At this point I was able to use another self-leadership strategy to shift my thinking and feeling to a calmer place and build rapport.

So how do you get good at self-observation? Isn’t this likely to lead to being self-obsessed are two questions I am often asked. The answers are as follows;

To get good at self-observation requires practice, the practice to check in non-judgmentally. Try this, look at your watch for 5 minutes without distraction.

You will probably find this quite challenging because you experience all sorts of distractions and judgements such as, “this is taking a long time”, “Has my watched stopped?””This is a waste of time.”etc.

Now spend five-minutes just sitting and observing the world around you, and accept every little thing that comes along without judgement. You might hear the ticking of a clock, the sound of an air-conditioner or feel how the chair is supporting you and whether you are moving to get comfortable. As you notice all the sensory data that comes your way, just accept it as information without judgement.

When you can do this you can begin to regularly and especially when you notice you are feeling stressed. Start with noticing, what am I thinking about this? What am I feeling abut this? What are my behavioural choices about this?

Through self-observation you may find you making some changes to your actions and reactions or you will be ready to apply other self-leadership strategies.

So does self-observation make you self-obsessed? Quite the contrary, once you accept the truth about yourself you are much more accepting of those around you and so you can build much more robust relationships.

Remember, “An unexamined life is not worth living.” – Socrates

In Singapore, on Feburary 24, 2011 myself and eight of Asia’s top professional speakers will showcase cutting edge ideas and techniques to Raise your Game in 2011. You and hear; Tim Wade on ‘Productivity Mindset’,  Tina Altieri on ‘Presenting to Win’, Santhanaram Jayaram on ‘Resistance to Irrisitable’, Tremaine Du Preez on ”Conquering Critical Challenges’, Sharon Connelly on ‘Dressing Like a Leader’, Kenneth Kwan on ‘Master Your Inner Self’ and Bob Mittelsdorf on ‘Managing Global Teams’. I will be sharing my latest research and practical applicatons of self-leadership and the whole action-packed day will be MC’d by the effervescent Shirley Taylor.

As the investment is minimal and a portion of profits go to Project Smile, can you afford to miss out on this unique event?

Full details are on the Asia Professional Speakers website or you can contact Self Leadership International in Singapore for tickets. See you there?

If this is your first time visiting Self Leadership Coaching blog then I suggest you use the search button and look for topics of interest to you. You will find many posts on; leadership, management, coaching, presentation skills, communication and influence.

We welcome your comments and will post them even if they disagree with the post, so feel free to start a discussion. Most of the information posted has come from my experience as a leadership consultant and executive coach, working in Australia, Singapore and across SE Asia and as a life-long learner I am always looking for new ideas and best practice.

Please enjoy – and Learn

Obviously, because of  our differences in communication styles we ended up having some very heated conversations. We both felt upset and not understood by the other which created a tension in the office.

For a while, we both left the siutaion as it was, and  I guess, hoped that time would solve it. But ignoring the situation did not make it better. Tension and misunderstand only increased.

Put the Fish on the Table

At some point I  remembered an old Italian saying: “Put the fish on the table.” The expression comes from the fishermen of southern Italy.

Why put the fish on the table? Because kept if you keep a fish under the table, it will start to stink. On the table, you can cook it, eat it and be done with it. Under the table, it is bound to go rotten.

So, if feelings are hurt , it is best to put the fish on the table and let the other party know how you feel.

With this in mind I put the fish on the table with my colleague. We sat together and shared how we both perceived the situation and what we did not like about it. I explained that for me it was important to be direct and to the point to get results faster. My colleague shared that for her relationships were the most important part. That’s why she needed to have some friendly chats every once and a while. And because we both listened to the others’ point of view, we came up with a middle way to get both our needs met. And we ate that Fish. Together!

Is there somebody you need to put the fish on the table with?

As with all things, Prior Planning Prevents Poor Performance.

In this YouTube video I share a few tips on remembering a speech.

Feel free to share your tips by adding a comment.

Have you seen the TV series ‘Lie to Me’?  Lie to Me is based on the work of Paul Ekman, a psychologist who has been a pioneer in the study of emotions and their relation to facial expressions. The show is compelling  because the main character can read when people are lying and appears to have an almost supernatural ability to read minds.

If you are in any kind of relationship; whether it be work, social or romantic the ability to read the other person’s thoughts and emotions about a topic will improve communication providing the skill is used ethically.

I have previously written about psychometric tests which are used in a corporate setting to understand employees personalities and get the best from them, but what about being able to read people on the fly? It is certainly possible and I have taught this skill to managers, coaches, trainers and even intelligence services.

To read people you need to learn to listen with both your eyes and your ears. People are always transmitting what they think and feel, the same way a wireless network is always sending a signal so that you can connect – it’s just that some people are more  encrypted than others!

Mastering the ability to decipher body language, speech patterns and micro expressions takes time but even the novice can get results by learning to notice what people are actually saying.

Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) provides an excellent framework for noticing and calibrating; eye movements, breathing, gestures and facial expressions. The language we use and how we use it gives clues to what’s important to us and topics we feel strongly about as well as our preferred way to process and respond to information.

Here are a couple of exercises to get you started:

Reading Yes / No

Ask a friend to not speak but respond to a series of questions with a definitive “Yes” or “No” in their mind. As you ask them questions that you know the answers such as; your name is, you are x years old, you like icecream – notice how they respond with their; eyes, face, mouth, breathing, jaw tension. When you are clear that you can read yes/no then ask them some questions to which you don’t know the answer and see if you can guess based on what you see. Once you have mastered this you can calibrate people in general conversation by noticing how they respond in the affirmative or negative. With this information you will never be left guessing about whether you have got the sales order or if they will call you again.

Reading Values

Values and beliefs drive behaviours and so if you can read someones values you can predict how they will behave. As you listen to someone notice what they talk about and particularly what they talk about with emphasis. Emphasis can be demonstrated by voice tonality, volume or non-verbal gesture. You can check your read by asking clarifying questions such as, “that seems important to you, can I ask what’s important about that?” This line of questioning delivered in a curious, non-threatening way will uncover values.

These exercise are just to whet your appetite and of course will improve with the right coaching from someone who knows what they are doing. If you would like to learn more then contact us at Self Leadership International.

In this short video I suggest that what to do with your hands is to make meaningful gestures.