Have you seen the TV series ‘Lie to Me’?  Lie to Me is based on the work of Paul Ekman, a psychologist who has been a pioneer in the study of emotions and their relation to facial expressions. The show is compelling  because the main character can read when people are lying and appears to have an almost supernatural ability to read minds.

If you are in any kind of relationship; whether it be work, social or romantic the ability to read the other person’s thoughts and emotions about a topic will improve communication providing the skill is used ethically.

I have previously written about psychometric tests which are used in a corporate setting to understand employees personalities and get the best from them, but what about being able to read people on the fly? It is certainly possible and I have taught this skill to managers, coaches, trainers and even intelligence services.

To read people you need to learn to listen with both your eyes and your ears. People are always transmitting what they think and feel, the same way a wireless network is always sending a signal so that you can connect – it’s just that some people are more  encrypted than others!

Mastering the ability to decipher body language, speech patterns and micro expressions takes time but even the novice can get results by learning to notice what people are actually saying.

Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) provides an excellent framework for noticing and calibrating; eye movements, breathing, gestures and facial expressions. The language we use and how we use it gives clues to what’s important to us and topics we feel strongly about as well as our preferred way to process and respond to information.

Here are a couple of exercises to get you started:

Reading Yes / No

Ask a friend to not speak but respond to a series of questions with a definitive “Yes” or “No” in their mind. As you ask them questions that you know the answers such as; your name is, you are x years old, you like icecream – notice how they respond with their; eyes, face, mouth, breathing, jaw tension. When you are clear that you can read yes/no then ask them some questions to which you don’t know the answer and see if you can guess based on what you see. Once you have mastered this you can calibrate people in general conversation by noticing how they respond in the affirmative or negative. With this information you will never be left guessing about whether you have got the sales order or if they will call you again.

Reading Values

Values and beliefs drive behaviours and so if you can read someones values you can predict how they will behave. As you listen to someone notice what they talk about and particularly what they talk about with emphasis. Emphasis can be demonstrated by voice tonality, volume or non-verbal gesture. You can check your read by asking clarifying questions such as, “that seems important to you, can I ask what’s important about that?” This line of questioning delivered in a curious, non-threatening way will uncover values.

These exercise are just to whet your appetite and of course will improve with the right coaching from someone who knows what they are doing. If you would like to learn more then contact us at Self Leadership International.

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An intention is a frame of mind that drives action, when you have a clearly defined intention you gain a laser like focus and begin to take action. Effective execution occurs when intentions are transformed into well thought out behaviours.

People can often read your intentions but the world rewards your effective execution. Here are four questions to ask:

• What is it you want to do?
• What actions do you need to take?
• What will be the effect of those actions?
• Will these effects be in line with your intention?

Here is a short video on intentionality when it comes to public speaking:

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Now while I never present the genius state as a hypnotic process and state, it absolutely is.  When you experience this naturally occurring state (and everybody does at some time), it seems to happen to you, to come upon you, and when you look back on it, you typically remember it as a wonderful experience.

What induces it?  Usually something that’s very important to you, something that you actively engage with and when you do, you get lost in it.  You become thrilled and absorbed in it.  It could be reading a book, it could be walking in a Redwood forest, it could be gardening, it could be playing catch with your dogs, writing, watching a great movie, having a fantastic conversation with a friend, making love, climbing a rock wall, playing a video game, and on and on the list goes.

The key is absorption in something that you care about, an absorption that pulls you into it so much so that you can get lost in it.  Then, in that moment when you are in that “flow” state, you are not multi-tracking.  You have lost all of your meta-mind awarenesses about all of the other things you need to do and track and you have become of one mind about the absorption.   Now in that moment, you won’t realize this!  If you were aware of it, you would be double-tracking.  But you’re not.

It is only later when you look back on the experience that you realize that you during that time you were all there— fully and completely. And during that time you realize that many of the central factors of your consciousness disappeared.  Time disappeared and you were lost in the now, this moment, and your awareness of time just vanished.  So did the world and others and even your self vanished.  These facets of the matrix of your mind were still there, but you lost consciousness of them.  You became self-forgetful, time forgetful, world forgetful.  All you were aware of was the subject of whatever the focus was about.

Athletes experience this as when a gymnast disappears the audience and they are there alone with the high bars or the floor.  A baseball pitcher similarly disappears a whole stadium.  In their focus-flow-genius state all that is there is the ball and the batter.  When an athlete goes into this special state, they typically call it being in the zone. And a couple years ago Tim Goodenough and Mike Cooper, two Meta-Coaches modeled out 13 distinctions from top South African athletes (Olympiads and national champions) in their Neuro-Semantic book, In the Zone.

In the field of NLP the first work on the prerequisites of the “personal genius state” was developed by John Grinder and Judith DeLozer (1983- 1987).  The processes that they came up with were interesting, but quite convoluted and therefore ineffective.  They were fooling around with meta-levels as they were trying to figure out how to utilize the guidance of Gregory Bateson and his principles of the higher levels.  And they even wrote that they knew the secret would tie in somehow with managing the meta-levels.  They got thta from Bateson, they just didn’t know how to apply it.  That came later after I created the Meta-States model (1994).  One of my very first applications of Meta-States was to the genius state prerequisites and that brought about the Accessing Your Personal Genius state or induction (and hence the APG training).

What Meta-States was able to do as a process, and as the ultimate hypnotic state, was to set the required meta-levels (as meta-states or frames) over the primary state so that you can let go of the meta-awarenesses and be fully present in the primary state. Doing this commissions the higher meta-states to operate as an out-side of conscious awareness structure.  It’s paradoxical, as is many hypnotic states.  To release the multi-tracking kind of consciousness, you learn how to embrace your meta-level states and use them so that you are freed for letting them go— from your immediate awareness.

Then you can be all there— with all of your resources available for the flow or in-the-zone state.  Then when you read, you fully comprehend because you are there (and not elsewhere!).  Then when you write, you don’t suffer the dreaded “writer’s block.”  Then when you are there with a client or loved one, you are there and they can feel your full presence. And now you know why we use the APG training to create your genius coaching state, genius training state, genius writing state, wealth creation state, etc.  It is the ultimate Neuro-Semantic state for operating from your highest and best.  So that makes it a self-actualizing state.  And now you know why APG — Accessing Personal Genius— is the flagship training of Neuro-Semantics.

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2009 could be associated with many negative emotion; fear, anxiety, uncertainty, regret etc. This is not all bad because emotions have ‘motivational consequences’. If we view our emotions as a feedback system, we can use the information to change our behaviours or make better choices.

Positive Emotions

My opening paragraph is unlikely to be a surprise because there has been copious research into so called ‘negative’ emotions, in fact studies into negative emotions outnumbers those on positive emotions by 25 to 1!

What has been revealed is that negative emotions, narrow our focus and actions but feeling good broadens our interests and helps us build our capablilities. Positive emotions make us more curious and interested and therefore more likely to try new activities and develop new skills. Postive emotions have been shown to make people more creative and better problem solvers and therefore an essential ingredient for innovation.

Benefits of Positive Emotion

A 2005 article by Lyubomirsky, King and Diener in Psychological Bulletin listed the proven benefits of positive emotion. I have summarised them here for you to consider your outlook for 2010.

At Work

Being positive is associate with:

• Higher salaries
• Better supervisor evaluations
• Better customer evaluations
• Less absenteeism
• Less employee turnover
• Better organizational behavior
• Better relationship with colleagues

Health and Social

• Positive people are less likely than negative people to develop a cold, and when they did the symptoms were far less severe.
• Positivity linked to less pain, physical symptoms, fewer hospital visits.
• Good relationships associated with better health and mental health.
• Happiest 10% are more sociable, have stronger friendships, and romantic relationships.
• Positive people volunteer more and are more willing to help others.
• Positive people are more extroverted and are less selfish.

The list speaks for itself and I know having had a few days off at Christmas, spending time with family and exercising has increased my positivity. Speaking to friends and colleagues all have mentioned a more positive and optimistic outlook for 2010 and so I for one will be making ‘being more positive’ a goal for next year – how about you?

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In 1990 Peter Senge published a book that has become a classic, a book that most people in leadership and management roles in business, most who consult or coach within organizations, and those who seek to stay on the cutting edge of business have read.  I’m speaking, of course, about the book The Fifth Discipline. The theme and central focus of this book is on learning to think and work systemically.

Senge was convinced that the key to business success rested in five disciplines, which when synergized by leaders and managers, will launch an organization or business into a creative mode and take it to a whole new level of effectiveness.  Like the five critical component technologies that came together in 1935 for the McDonnell Douglas DC-3 and which ushered in the era of commercial air travel— Senge argued that the five components he discovered would create great companies.

What are those five components?  Systems thinking, personal mastery, mental models, building shared vision, and team learning.  Together “each provides a vital dimension in building organizations that can truly ‘learn,’ that can continually enhance their capacity to realize their highest aspirations” (p. 6).  Then unlike most contemporary organizations that are reactive, companies can become responsive or even generative.

Senge focuses on enabling companies to become “learning organizations.”  He writes about organizations going beyond the old traditional hierarchical structures to an enlivening vision, people collaborating and experiencing team learning, a whole new level of openness, and leadership that evolves beyond being politically power oriented.  Now does that sound like self-actualization or the self-actualizing leaders and companies that I describe in Unleashing Leadership? That’s what I also thought!   The Fifth Discipline is about self-actualization in organizations.

Yet because Senge did not use the term self-actualization or frame things in terms of moving beyond Theory X to Theory Y of management, I did not make the connection.  In spite of not using the language, throughout the work the vision and premises of self-actualization psychology informs his argument for the emergence of a whole new kind of organization— self-actualizing organizations.

In fact, for Senge “systems thinking” and “personal mastery” are two of his expressions for self-actualization.  What I suddenly now realize in re-reading The Fifth Discipline is that “personal mastery” in this model is what we call “self-actualization” in Maslow’s model!  Here’s my evidence.

Senge described “personal mastery” as a high level of proficiency in an area that deeply matters to you.  And to develop that level of mastery, you need to do two things: 1) Clarify what’s truly important to you and 2) See current reality more clearly. (p. 141).  Senge says that personal mastery goes beyond competence.

“It goes beyond spiritual unfolding or opening, although it requires spiritual growth.  It means approaching one’s life as a creative work, living life from a creative as opposed to reactive viewpoint.” (p. 141)

In an amazing paragraph where he described people of personal mastery, Senge’s description sounds very, very similar to how Maslow described self-actualizing people.

“People with a high level of personal mastery share several basic characteristics.  They have a special sense of purpose that lies behind their visions and goals.  For such a person, a vision is a calling rather than simply a good idea. They see ‘current reality’ as an ally, not an enemy.  They have learned how to perceive and work with forces of change rather than resist those forces.  They are deeply inquisitive, committed to continuing seeing reality more and more accurately.  They feel connected to others and to life itself.  Yet they sacrifice none of their uniqueness.  They feel as if they are part of a larger creative process, which they can influence but cannot unilaterally control.

“People with a high level of personal mastery live in a continual learning mode.  They never ‘arrive.’ … Personal mastery is not something you possess.  It is a process.  It is a lifelong discipline.  People with a high level of personal mastery are acutely aware of their ignorance, their incompetence, their growth areas.” (p. 142)

“People with high levels of personal mastery are more committed.  They take more initiative.  They have a broader and deeper sense of responsibility in their work.  They learn faster.  For all these reasons, a great many organizations espouse a commitment to fostering personal growth among their employees because they believe it will make the organization stronger.” (p. 143)

And systems thinking?  Senge describes this as “contemplating the whole as a pattern,” being able to see the unity of snapshots of isolated parts and how they work together.  He describes the building blocks of systems thinking as feedback loops and delays in the system and from there the recognition of patterns that arise that indicate specific kinds of systems (archetypes).

When we apply systems thinking to human beings, we recognize that our experiences are made up of multiple systems—our mind-body system, our meaning-making system, our neuro-semantic system.  And within these systems are reinforcing processes, limiting processes, balancing (stabilizing) processes.  And as in a business or political system, we also experience problems at various levels.  Some of our problems are mere symptoms of the system rather than the fundamental causes.  That’s why the symptoms keep resurfacing over time.  That’s why “solutions” which work at one level or for the short-term, never actually takes care of the real problem.

So what do we discover when we “contemplate the whole” and look for patterns in human beings?  We discover that there is within us an inner drive to self-actualize and that this is itself our most fundamental inner dynamic system.  This is our primary system for growing, developing, and actualizing our highest meanings and performances.  And Self-Actualization Psychology is the psychology that describes this whole.

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NLP is a model of how humans think, feel, behave and communicate. When NLP was developed in the 1970’s by Bandler and Grinder it was a radical departure from the field of psychology, which at the time was focused more on human dysfunction than peak performance.

Today, with the acceptance of positive psychology, NLP appears less radical can be viewed as an excellent framework for learning to communicate effectively, to model people and systems and to design strategies for peak performance. Learning NLP can improve the performance of athletes, sales people, business people, coaches, trainers, teachers, therapists and parents.

NLP for Consulting, Training and Coaching

I use NLP and NeuroSemantics in my consulting, training and coaching and I enjoy sharing the technology through public programs that I hold in Singapore and other parts of SE Asia. You can get a list of the upcoming programs by clicking here. I highly recommend NLP Communication and  Coaching Essentials which is the first 3-day of a NLP Practitioner program and covers how to communicate and coach effectively plus we are conducting  a full NLP Master Practitioner training in October.

NLP  Association of Singapore Video

If you like watching videos on YouTube then you can watch part of my presentation to the Singapore NLP Association.

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With self leadership coaching he came to the powerful realisation that it his ‘Mind’ his ‘Choices’ and his ‘Life’.

If, like my client, you are lacking ‘permission’ by taking ownership and responsibility of your mind, your choices an your life puts you in the drivers seat and enables you to create the personal or business success you want.

Confirmation of this power to choose is the theme of the final part of The Matrix movie trilogy. The character Neo is able to triumph over Agent Smith when, after prompting from The Oracle, he re-discovers his power of choice.

Is there an area in your life or career that you have been saying “I have no choice”? I wonder what would happen if you were to take responsibility and say; “My mind, my choice, my life!”

My coaching client did take control and left a low paying, menial job and started traveling; he settled in Vietnam where he started a business and met the love of his life.

If you would like coaching to assist you achieve this positive and powerful choice then connect to a coach or attend one of our self leadership programs.

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Humor is a great stress reliever with  many positive health benefits and importantly in this current climate it causes us to step back and get a new perspective.

Allow me to share with you what a fun week I have had with the intention of inspiring you to have a little laugh…

On Tuesday night I performed 8 minutes of stand-up comedy; this had been on my bucket list for years as  I  had heard that stand-up is a real test of  skill. The aim of stand-up is to get six laughs a minute which is a hell of an achievement with a group of strangers. I didn’t get 6 laughs a minute but I did get the crowd to laugh as you can see and hear on this YouTube Video.

The unexpected bonus I had from doing stand-up comedy is that I am now seeing funny things in many more places; at work, in the street, in my relationships, everywhere! And the benefit of this is that I feel better at work and my relationships have improved noticeably.

Today we took our staff to lunch as one team member is leaving and another is having a birthday. We had a delicious lunch and with huge servings of laughter; we laughed at so many things and I think that we significantly improved the morale of the team.

One of our associates laughs for up to 5 minutes every morning as part of his preparation for the day – he says it raises his engergy better than a double shot latte. So as you read this just take stock of how much you have laughed this week? Do you need to hire some funny videos or go to a stand up comedy club yourself?

Here’s wishing you fun, lightness and laughter in the days ahead.

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Did you know that your learning follows a path? Firstly you don’t know what your don’t know, which is a state I like to call “blissful ignorance.” On the learning path this is known as unconscious incompetence.

When you learn about something new you first enter a stage of knowing what you don’t know or can’t yet do;  this is known as conscious incompetence. This stage can be uncomfortable for adult learners as they feel awkward and self-conscious as they start practicing the skill. Many people have given up at this stage, think of those guitar lessons or yoga classes that you so eagerly signed up for. If the goal is important enough we push through the discomfort of not knowing and move to the next level, if you have learned to drive a car or use a piece of new software you know what I mean.

With practice comes conscious competence – you know how to do the skill although you might still need to pay some attention to the task. Think about when you just passed your driving test or learned how to ride a bike – you could do it but you were still a bit wobbly.

The next stage is unconscious competence where you can complete the  task automatically. If you can touch type your fingers know where the ‘Z’ key is without you even thinking. Unfortunately many people drive this way as they talk on their mobile phones and eat fast food whilst navigating the roads! Most people stop learning at this level as the amount of practice to achieve the next level of mastery does not seem worth the effort.

Finally there is consciousness of your unconscious competence – this is a high level of awareness of what you know and how you know it. At this level of learning the master of his or her craft seeks to find the fine distinctions that take knowledge or skills to new levels or into new contexts.  Many of us have experienced a teacher who knew thier subject (unconsious competence) but could not really teach it because they lacked a high level of awareness of how they do what they do.

To be an effective leader, teacher, coach or mentor we must understand the learning path and help our staff or students navigate it. We must remember the challenges we had in learning and share how we overcame these obstacles. It is too easy to become frustrated when it takes someone a while to get what we think is easy but we have usually forgotten to help them learn rather than just telling them.

Most importantly if you are stuck at conscious incompetence – ask for help, find a coach or someone who has mastered this before and ask them how they learned to learn the skill.

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This blog post is prompted by a conversation I had last week with someone who had just learned the hard way that not doing the right thing costs on the inside even when it doesn’t cost on the outside.

The dictionary definition of integrity describes it as having a consistency of actions, values and principles. I like to describe integrity as, “doing the right thing even when no one is looking”.

So how does not being consistent with your actions cost you?

When you say you will do a thing and you don’t carry it out, those who you committed to will not trust your word or future deeds and more importantly your unconscious mind won’t trust you either.

With Self-leadership we set a course to achieve an objective and we make commitments to ourself to follow through. Successful people understand that they must do what they say they will do because that builds, self-confidence and self belief to push through obstacles and rejection. Not following through on our commitments may seem easier in the short term but it will make the next thing you commit to less likely to succeed.

People who have started diet plans, exercise regimes or saving strategies know exactly what I mean. If you have quit before, you begin to self-doubt you ability to stay the course the next time and this becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Trust is a precious commodity, once lost it is most difficult to regain. By making sure your words and deeds are always in alignment you will never have to worry about losing trust.

When my friend told me about not fulfilling a commitment I told him that whilst I cared for him, I was now disappointed in his actions because integrity is such a strong value for me. He assured me that he had learned his lesson but I told him that he will only know this when he next commits to something and follows through, even if it costs him.

Walk your talk and make sure your actions follow sound principles and you will find life gets easier not harder. As wiseman once said, “where there is choice there is pain, the only true freedom is true commitment.”

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