Self Leadership Coaching Blog

Do you sometimes feel frustrated when someone is clearly doing something that dis-empowers them? Or do you often feel hurt by what others do?

If the answer is “yes” to either of these, chances are you have been feeling responsible FOR other people.

A key component of  self-leadership is healthy responsibility in relationships.  I am talking about relationships with; loved ones, friends, colleagues, employees, bosses, etc.

When we are in a relationship, we feel connected at some level and that connection can cause us both pleasure and pain. To live with  self-leadership we need clarity about how these connections work.

Let me ask you a question -  Do you have thoughts, can you think?

Of course you can;  so whose thoughts are they?

Yours of course!

Can you feel? Do you have emotions? If you are human then the answer is “yes”. So my next question is whose thoughts are they? Yours of course!

Why then is it that people say stuff like, “She makes me angry” or “My boss makes me feel inferior”? When people make statements like these, they have given away the control of their thoughts and feelings.

This is very common because we have been conditioned to feel responsible FOR other people in our lives when in fact relationship is about responsibility TO. When we are responsible for something it means we have some control. Step back for a moment and realise that the only person you have responsibility for, is yourself.

Now at first reading, this statement can sound extremely selfish and yet it is just a reality. If you are responsible FOR your thoughts and feelings and the other people in their lives are responsible for their thoughts and feelings, then taking responsibility for how other people think and feel is crossing a control boundary.

What makes this easier to understand is being clear about our responsibilities TO’. In my relationship with my wife, I am responsible to her for certain agreements we have made as man and wife. As parents and we are responsible to our children, in terms of providing food, shelter, safety, education etc… But we will not be responsible FOR what our children think or feel – they are learning to think and feel for themselves.

When I am coaching or training, I am responsible TO my client to provide my fullest attention and professional skill, I am not responsible FOR how they think or feel; they can do that themselves, and after coaching and training have greater awareness on how to do it.

Your relationships have an explicit or tacit agreement about how you are responsible TO that person. As an employer you may have responsibility TO your staff to provide leadership, training, coaching and the opportunity to make a wage. As an employee you have a responsibility TO your employer to contribute your time and talent towards achieving the mission, vision and values of the employer’s organisation.

So if you have felt dis-empowered by someone or felt overly responsible, revisit the situation and ask yourself, “Who did I feel responsible for?” and “What was I responsible to?”

By establishing clear boundaries about what we are responsible For and To, we live life with emotional intelligence and empower others to do the same.

So next time you are tempted to feel responsible for somebody else, smile and remind yourself you are only responsible for your thoughts and feelings, then check to what extent, if any you are responsible to this person. Trust me, it helps