“Leadership is getting work done with and through others, whilst gaining their trust and cooperation.”

In a modern matrixed organisation, the ‘others’ that we need to lead may be our subordinates but just as likely they will be our peers, our bosses and our clients.

Aristotle (384-322 BCE) spoke about influence as requiring ethos, pathos and logos. Ethos can be translated as ethics, character and personal brand; pathos is empathy for the other person’s position and logos is a logical argument.

Your personal brand will be built by your confidence and your competence – the more you demonstrate that you can get the job done the more people will rely on you and be influenced by you. Effective leaders have a “my word is my bond” credo that builds influence muscle each time they exercise it.

Empathy is acknowledging how the other party feels. Steven Covey encouraged us to get the habit of “seek first and then be understood” this is essential to effective influence. When thinking about the person we wish to influence, we should consider; the organisational culture, their unit/department culture, their bosses expectations, peers expectations, how they are measured, the nature of their work and any major forces that impact them from outside the organisation.

When we acknowledge and empathise with the forces that drive the person, they will most likely reveal the ‘currencies’ that most matter to them.

Currencies include such things as; contributing to a vision, doing the right thing, challenge, recognition, contacts, acceptance and gratitude.

Identifying currencies requires good listening and rapport building skills but when you know just what the other person values you can influence them to do almost anything. I say “almost” anything because if you attempt to influence somebody to do something that is not in their or the organisations best interest you will most likely fail.

With logos we must present our influence proposal in a way that ‘makes sense’ to the mind of the listener. You must frame your message in a way that will be well received. A good formula for framing is the 4-mat system (McCarthy) which gets you to consider, Why, What, How and What’s Next?

Your listener wants to know why they should listen to you, what are you going to talk about, how they should use the information and what they should do next?

So if I was going to influence you to consider developing your leadership and influence skills and your currencies were learning and growth I might say something like,

“Have you considered how much more effective you could be if you knew how to influence? (WHY) Because your ability to influence at all levels inside and outside the organisation are essential to you creating business growth (WHAT). You can learn to increase or leverage your existing influence by attending one of my programs or hiring me in-house (HOW), so why not contact me to find out when you can begin? (WHAT’S NEXT).”

Now of course written like that it looks a bit like a sale pitch but when used with rapport and for the good of the listener this information is powerful.

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I just got a call from Australia, from James who needed a coach for one his bank’s people in Singapore. The reason I got the call was that James had heard about me from Yuvi who had previously used me for some communication training and the reason he used me is that he had heard about me from Carole who had been introduced to me by Stephanie who I met at a conference in Kuala Lumpur!

How much was that conversation worth?

Well it might not have been worth anything if I hadn’t built the relationship by being helpful, following up and when the opportunity arose – did good work.

We have just signed a major client for 2 pilot programs. The story started last year with me telling a friend about how the Global Meltdown had affected some of our clients and asking him if he knew anybody that might need our services – he did and introduced me to lady who introduced me to guy who later referred me to somebody that needed a program on influence. Well if this is not a story about the power of building relationships and influence I don’t know what is!

Now don’t get me wrong; I am not suggesting that we put a price on all our relationships and become like an Amway distributor preying on friendships but it does reinforce the power of word of mouth.

In the first example the word of mouth advertising worked because some people are happy to refer when they get good service, however in the second case if I hadn’t talked about my need for referrals my friend of many years would not have accessed his Rolodex.

So it is import to:

1. Tell people what you do and what you need
2. Do good work and exceed expectations
3. Say thank you for the referal and reciprocate if possible

Seems simple right? But sometimes the simplest truths are the most profound.

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The ability to speak effectively to small or large audiences is a vital competency for manager and leaders and yet this competency is often lacking.

As a Certified Professional Speaker myself, I have spoken to thousands of people over the years and experienced the first hand what to do and what not to do with an audience. As an executive coach I have trained and coached hundred’s of managers who were previously tongue tied to connect with the audience and deliver their message effectively; so allow me to share with you a secret of public and professional speaking:

There is no such thing as an audience

The biggest mistake that novice speaker make is to imagine their perspective audience as critical or hostile. Creating this mental picture of a group united in their disapproval of you will create a state of anxiety in even the strongest of heart.

Accomplished speakers realise that an audience, small or large, is made up of individuals just like you. Each individual has needs and wants and can change their state from boredom to curiosity. If you connect to their needs and wants and create a sense of curiosity they will be on the edge of thier seats.

So the first key to successful public or professional speaking is to break down your audience into a group of individuals and preferably know what it is they want before you deliver your topic.

Most of the work in speaking is not the speech itself but the research and preparation before the speech. Only speak “off the cuff” if you know your topic backwards and know exactly who you are talking to.

As you present make eye contact, smile and imagine you are having a conversation with a group of friends or colleagues. Will it still be nerve wracking? Perhaps but the only way to get better at it is to practice at every opportunity. Remember, as we move up through an organisation, we are paid less for what we do an more for what we influence others to do. Speaking in public is a core competency for influence.

If you are interested in professional speaking training or coaching please contact us.

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Should

What is more interesting however are the ‘unsaid shoulds’.  When we get angry or upset it is most probably because somebody else has not complied with our ‘shoulds‘ or ‘shouldn’ts‘.

For example; if somebody pushes in front of you in a queue, do you feel angry? You do? Well that is because you (and me for that matter) believe that they shouldn’t push in.

Customer service is all about anticipating the expectation of should and shouldn’t. Last weekend I was taking my wife and children to see Barney (the pink dinosaur who dances!) at the Singapore Expo. Well firstly the car park was a nightmare, not enough spaces and people parking illegally and blocking traffic.  I could feel my stress levels rising as I knew I should get the kids to the show on time and that the expo SHOULD have provided enough parking.

I chose to drop my family at the entrance and go and find another car park, so after jogging back to the venue I was just in time for the show to start. My wife asked me to find two seat boosters for the kids and so I hurriedly set off in search of these only to be told by expo staff that they had run out of boosters and that I SHOULD have been there earlier!
Now I am not proud of my response to this situation because I raised my voice and told the girl that I had paid for the most expensive seats to see the damn dinosaur and I damn well think they SHOULD provide enough boosters!  In defense of the Singapore Expo or the organisers of Barney and Friends we were recompensed with two buckets of popcorn but it is another example of reacting to a ‘should’.

I have just stayed at an excellent hotel (The Grand Millennium Bangkok, Thailand) where my every need was anticipated. On check-in I was asked, “Should I need a wake up call and should I need a car to take me to the airport.” This hotel continued to impress me and I was reminded of how wonderful life is when the world meets or exceeds your mental maps.

The reason I was in Bangkok was to conduct a 3-day leadership program for senior managers and during that training I emphasised using the phrase, “what’s important to you about that?” This question uncovers a person’s values including their – ‘shoulds’. Knowing your own and other people’s mental map results in effective communication reduced conflict and increased influence.

So shouldn’t you get better at your shoulds?

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I was greeted at the company by the company’s communications manager who was to show me to the boardroom to meet the CEO. She politely asked me if she could get me anything, perhaps thinking I might need a tea or coffee. My response was, “well actually, I intend to break at about 3pm, could you possibly get me a sandwich as I am starving!” She looked somewhat surprised but at 3:00pm exactly a 12 inch Subway sandwich arrived in the boardroom.

Giving the CEO the opportunity to take a bathroom break I hungrily bit into the sandwich only to be surprised by the fact it was full of jalapeno chillies! Now I normally like spicy food, but it was the surprise that got me. At the end of the day when showing me out, I asked her whether the jalapenos were revenge for being asked to get me a sandwich, “Oh no”, she replied, “I just had it made the way I like it.”

I use this story in trainings to make the point that most often we communicate the way we like to be communicated to. If you prefer people to be direct, you will speak directly – If you prefer people to build a case you will build a case. So a common communication mistake is not considering your audience and communicating in your default or preferred style.

I provide influence training for an international bank and I find that I really need to stress the importance of a flexible approach to communication. Since the client is a bank I use the analogy that everyone has a PIN (personal identification number) that will unlock their resistance and allow you to communicate with them and, mixing my metaphors, each person broadcasts their SSID (a wireless access point identifier) to tell you how to log on to their network.

Leaders, managers, coaches and trainers need to learn to read people’s preferred communication style in order to adapt their communication in order to be understood. It may be arrogance or even stupidity to expect others to always adapt to you. There is a direct correlation between communication and productivity and so your results in work or life will depend on your ability to get a message across.

Can you learn to read people and adapt your communication to get better results? The answer is, of course “yes” So to help you get started here is a list of things to avoid:

Common Communication Mistakes

• Being directive when you want buy in
• Using “I” when you want team effort
• Using “You” when you want to resolve conflict
• Being aggressive or submissive (assertive is the alternative)
• Attempting to influence when your are unclear what you want
• Not finding out what’s important to the other party
• Using only logic without emotion
• Using only emotion without some logic
• Talking down to people
• Asking questions and not listening to the answer

So if you find yourself using any of the above or are not getting the results you want in life and business, then why not contact us to find out how to become an effective and influential communicator?

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In 1984 the number of internet devices was 1000, in 1992, 1,000,000 and in 2008, 1000,000,000!

To reach an audience of 50 million it took Radio 38 years, Tv 13 years, iPod 3 years and Facebook 2 years!

In 2007 there were 2.7 Billion Google queries/month in 2008 31 Billion! Who did we ask those questions BG (before  Google)?

And the internet is changing our lives in other ways; in 2007 one in eight couples who married in the USA met on the internet!

It is so easy to take the internet for granted and Gen Y have never lived without it – and people ask the question , “what’s next?”

The other question is, “what remains the same?”

People still need to exercise self leadership, they still need to communicate effectively and influence others; they still need to learn, grow and find meaning and happiness in what they do. Thankfully the internet helps us to find the resources to do these things.

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1. Modeling Behaviour

Every parent knows that children are great mimics, they watch you like a hawk and duplicate your behaviour. This can be amusing, as when Tasha first started painting her nails after watching my wife or Nathan picking up my tennis racket and saying, “like daddy.” The dark side of this modeling is when children mimic the aggressive behaviour of adults, which was demonstrated by  Dr. Albert Bandura with the Bobo Doll experiment and is evidenced in war torn areas of the world where children carry weapons.

Adults to0 model behaviour which is why the leaders of any team or organisation must “walk the talk”, they must be the model for the behaviours they wish to see duplicated. Talk is cheap – action is real.

2. Validation

Both Tasha and Nathan like to clap themselves when they do something right and they both beam when Zurina and I give them praise. As a leadership consultant I know how important it is that I continue to praise even moderately good performance as research by Dr Ethna Reid shows that teachers who get the best results, validate regularly. Successful teachers also alternate between teaching and questioning (testing) for comprehension.

In leadership and management in a hectic paced world it is all too easy to criticise poor performance and to tell rather than ask. In our leadership for managers program, we emphasise and rehearse the arts of validation and asking good questions.

3. Story Telling

Children love stories and interpret our cultural moral code from those stories. Tasha knows who are the good princesses (coutesy of Disney) and who is the evil queen, Nathan is learning from Thomas the Tank Engine that when you break the rules you go off the rails, he even exclaims very loudly “oh no!” when this happens.

Effective leaders also tell stories that let their followers know what the vision and culture of the organisation is. These stories get retold and strongly influence the behaviour of the team or workforce. When I was teaching coaching skills at Singapore Airlines I noticed how they regularly used stories of  exemplary customer service to validate and reinforce the behaviour of going the extra mile service (GEMS).

Perhaps you have other Leadership Principles you have learned from children – feel free to share.

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Have you ever wondered why some people get what they want and others don’t?

Can I make a suggestion?

Remember a time when you really wanted something; something you couldn’t have right away but something you would have to wait for, you pictured it in your head, you imagined what it would feel like to possess it and you could feel the pull.

Now I don’t know what you imagined but if you did remember something, as I suggested you will have got in touch with a feeling; notice that feeling.

Creating imagination and feeling is the the secret power of influence.

It works like this; your brain was triggered to locate a memory or an imagination and finds the associated feeling that it has stored with this. Your brain is a huge neural network of associations and these associations are linked to your feelings and your feelings motivate you to act.

Knowing how the mind works is the secret to influence and creating the right associations in the minds of others will help you to get whatever it is you want. Do you want to sell more?  Motivate your employees? Get your children to come home on time? Find a special partner?

I have been interested in influence for many years and studied NLP, Neuro-Semantics, Cognitive Behaviourism and Hypnosis to understand how to communicate more effectively and to achieve my goals. When I first met my wife, I knew I had only one chance to make a first impression. It was a crowded environment and I needed to create a positive association and give her a reason to see me again. Using all my best influence skills I succeeded, and we now have two gorgeous children, Tasha and Nathan. Now my need for influence skills has increased! – if you have kids you will agree.

Having learned the secrets of influence it is now my pleasure to share these concepts with you. I have worked with companies to help their sales teams connect with customers, with their managers to influence performance and with coaches to facilitate change; I have even helped people to get a pay rise.

When teaching the power of influence I find most people grossly underestimate their ability to influence an outcome and are wasting opportunities. Moreover many people are creating negative associations that are creating the exact opposite of what they want.

Here is an example of negative associations. A good friend of ours is a committed doctor who wants to influence teenagers to make informed choices about sex and asked me to speak to the teenagers and coach their parents at a public forum. Consider how a parent’s good intentions could backfire if they don’t understand influence; telling a child that, “You can’t have sex until you are an adult,” can get linked in the mind as, “Having sex makes me an adult.”

Minds are amazing things – they create all sorts of associations, or cause-effect mental maps and not all of them are accurate. For example a phobic might associate snakes with danger to the point where they don’t want to leave the house. They have created a horror movie in their mind and this is creating feelings that paralyse. Just talking to this person won’t work – you have to demonstrate that their mental map is not accurate. This can be done by vicarious experience – having them watch someone else hold the snake.

Vicarious experience can create new mental maps as we role model the person engaged in a particular behaviour. This morning I was role modeling my tennis coach as he showed me a serve, then I tried to experience the same thing myself. So after watching others hold a non-poisonous snake, phobics are able to visualise themselvea holding the snake and finally able to take action and hold it themselves.

So in summary; to positively influence someone:

1. Create an image in their minds of them doing the required behaviour. This can be done by telling a story about someone, like them, that has engaged in that behaviour.
2. If possible show them someone else who is doing the behaviour you want to influence them to do.
3. Invite them to do the required behaviour and praise them for even the slightest positive action

Why else do you think that car salesman wants you to test drive the car and tells you how good you look when you do?

If you want to know more about coaching for influence, feel free to contact us.

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Communication

Good communication skills are essential to lead yourself and influence others. Poor communication causes pain, conflict, loss of productivity and profit.

Listen to a  podcast on Communication Skills.

To win the communication game you must know and apply the rules of the game; and the #1 rule of communication is that -  All communication occurs inside a frame.

A communication frame gives the listener reference points to know how to handle the information they hear from you. A communication frame points the listener’s mind in a particular direction and when used correctly will create trust and remove misunderstandings.

Any time we say “In terms of …” we set the boundaries of the discussion and hence the frame. Often two or more people in conflict are actually discussing different topics or perspectives, using “in terms of…” allows us to focus on the specific topic or to challenge people who have gone off topic.

For example:

• “In terms of reaching a decision in the next hour, let me make this point…”
• “In terms of us working together in this team, how would you like me to interpret your behaviour?”
• “In terms of our stated budget, do you think this is a wise purchase?”

Here are some other simple examples of communication frames and how to use them:

The Workshop Frame:
“Just work shopping – what if we did…x”. This frame is great for putting ideas out; it reduces reactions because it sets the frame that it is ok for the other person to give input.

The Sharing Frame:
“I’m just sharing, this is the way I feel about… x”. This frame allows you to share your feelings without the other person needing to take your emotional state personally.

The ‘What if’ Frame:
“I know we have never done this before, but what if we did?” This is a great frame for setting for pushing the boundaries and creative thinking.

There are, of course, frames that you already use and many more you could learn to use. The frames we use in language often reflect our frames of mind, do you have a ‘can do’ frame’? Or do you operate from a ‘can’t do’ frame?

Training yourself to become aware of your frames of mind and frames of speech is a fundamental of self-leadership and using the technology of Neuro Semantics (an evolution of NLP) we can set frames for great relationships, health and even wealth.

Want to know more? For Communication Skills Workshops in Singapore, Australia, Malaysia, India or the Middle East  contact us.

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Confidence is a key success factor for modern managers and leaders and yet many lack confidence in the following areas:

1. Managing downwards when subordinates have higher qualifications or are qualified in a different discipline
2. Influencing peers or external stakeholder when there is no direct authority
3. Managing upwards even in a matrix organisation

I had two meetings in Singapore this week where Senior Leaders highlighted a need for increased confidence in the above areas, but I don’t think this issue is just related to Singapore.

With all three scenarios the key to confidence is personal power. Personal Power is like self leadership, it comes from knowing who you are and what’s important and exercising the right to choose.

When managing downwards, managers need to remember Henry Ford who said, “The generalist will always employ the specialist.” The manager doesn’t need to know everything about everyone’s discipline they need to know how to engage smart people to get the job done. Highly specialised people often miss the big picture and don’t connect outside of their discipline. The good leader knows a bit about a lot of different things and can therefore use the best skills or combination of skills within the team to get the job done.

Confidence to influence laterally comes from believing that your idea is a good one and knowing how to communicate the benefits of this idea or action to the other parties. In an age of social networking we should feel confident to socialise our ideas, after all, it is not the best ideas that get adopted but the best supported ideas.

To confidently and successfully manage upwards requires the manager or emerging leader to perceive their superior as a colleague rather than a boss. I don’t mean do away with respect or be over-familiar, but to realise that they are both subservient to the vision of the business/company. Just like influencing laterally, ideas that are framed as beneficial to the business will be well received.

When we succeed a something it builds confidence but we must have the confidence to attempt before we can succeed. If you require confidence to attempt something for the first time, remember Prior Planning Prevents Poor Performance – so prepare and then as Nike says, “Just Do It!”

This doesn’t guarantee success everytime but with confidence we know we can receive feedback, learn from our mistakes and do better next time.

BTW this Blog has just made it to the top 100 leadership Blogs

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