Research has shown that the inability to build a successful relationship with the boss is a significant reason for managers failing or not reaching their full potential.

When I approach this topic I encounter a number of mindsets that lead to an inability to effectively influence, these include:

• My boss is autocratic
• My boss doesn’t listen to me
• I don’t want to jeopardise my career
• I have no power in the relationship
• My boss doesn’t give me time

Do any of these sound familiar?

The problem with blaming the boss is that you have created an external locus of control which is the exact opposite of self-leadership. To influence you must ask yourself what can I do that will make a difference? The purpose of this blog is to provide some ideas to get you started:

1. Create an Ally

Allies have open and honest conversations, they may not always agree but they will listen to what each other wants and assertively communicate what their own needs. “But my boss doesn’t care what I need” I hear you cry; and my response is, do you know what they need? and have you told them what you need?

2. Finding the boss’s currency

We all have currencies, those things that are important to us and ‘count’ in relationship. Bosses
currenices are likely to be some of the following:

• Commitment to the stated vision
• Doing things ‘the right way’
• Offering help without being asked
• Doing things faster than expected
• Providing information that they need
• Having a skill the boss does not have
• Acknowledging the bosses contribution to the organisation
• Activities that build the bosses reputation
• Using your contacts to expedite a task
• Expressing gratitude for anything the boss gives
• Minimising discomforts and distractions for the boss

Noticing which currencies the boss responds to and paying them in these currencies cost you a little in time and energy but sets up reciprocity.

3.Reciprocity

When something does something for us we feel consciously or unconsciously obliged to reciprocate.
Reciprocation is the number one principle of influence, why else do you think marketing campaigns offer you a free gift? If your boss ‘owes’ you first then you can assertively ask for what you want.

4.Assertiveness

We are most influential when we frame our influence with confidence and conviction. So using formula
for influencing your boss might look and sound like the following:

“Boss [use their name] I understand that x [insert currency or bosses pet project] is important to you and to do this I believe that we should [insert your suggestion here].”

“Boss [use their name] I appreciate that x [insert currency or bosses pet project] is important to you and to achieve this I will need [insert your request here].”

It is my experience that most employees underestimate their ability to Influence Without Authority, whether this is with their boss or their peers; believe you can influence and you will find a way.

Did you find these strategies useful? Do you have a success story on influencing your boss? Please share your stories.

Have you seen the TV series ‘Lie to Me’?  Lie to Me is based on the work of Paul Ekman, a psychologist who has been a pioneer in the study of emotions and their relation to facial expressions. The show is compelling  because the main character can read when people are lying and appears to have an almost supernatural ability to read minds.

If you are in any kind of relationship; whether it be work, social or romantic the ability to read the other person’s thoughts and emotions about a topic will improve communication providing the skill is used ethically.

I have previously written about psychometric tests which are used in a corporate setting to understand employees personalities and get the best from them, but what about being able to read people on the fly? It is certainly possible and I have taught this skill to managers, coaches, trainers and even intelligence services.

To read people you need to learn to listen with both your eyes and your ears. People are always transmitting what they think and feel, the same way a wireless network is always sending a signal so that you can connect – it’s just that some people are more  encrypted than others!

Mastering the ability to decipher body language, speech patterns and micro expressions takes time but even the novice can get results by learning to notice what people are actually saying.

Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) provides an excellent framework for noticing and calibrating; eye movements, breathing, gestures and facial expressions. The language we use and how we use it gives clues to what’s important to us and topics we feel strongly about as well as our preferred way to process and respond to information.

Here are a couple of exercises to get you started:

Reading Yes / No

Ask a friend to not speak but respond to a series of questions with a definitive “Yes” or “No” in their mind. As you ask them questions that you know the answers such as; your name is, you are x years old, you like icecream – notice how they respond with their; eyes, face, mouth, breathing, jaw tension. When you are clear that you can read yes/no then ask them some questions to which you don’t know the answer and see if you can guess based on what you see. Once you have mastered this you can calibrate people in general conversation by noticing how they respond in the affirmative or negative. With this information you will never be left guessing about whether you have got the sales order or if they will call you again.

Reading Values

Values and beliefs drive behaviours and so if you can read someones values you can predict how they will behave. As you listen to someone notice what they talk about and particularly what they talk about with emphasis. Emphasis can be demonstrated by voice tonality, volume or non-verbal gesture. You can check your read by asking clarifying questions such as, “that seems important to you, can I ask what’s important about that?” This line of questioning delivered in a curious, non-threatening way will uncover values.

These exercise are just to whet your appetite and of course will improve with the right coaching from someone who knows what they are doing. If you would like to learn more then contact us at Self Leadership International.

According to the Chinese Zodiac, the tiger is a symbol of power and authority and therefore leadership; unfortunately the style of leadership represented is poor on relationship.

Poor people leadership is something I encounter on a daily basis; just recently I was conducting a Coaching for Managers program and one senior manager told me his boss had refused to attend saying, “I don’t believe in that s#!t”

On the flip side I have been working with some great people, recently, who really believe in developing people-skills and are seeing the business results to confirm their belief.

If this is your first or fiftieth time reading this blog, I hope my posts, in some small way, make the Year of the Tiger profitable, productive and harmonious for you.

Gong Xi Fa Cai!

If the answer is “yes” to either of these, chances are you have been feeling responsible FOR other people.

A key component of  self-leadership is healthy responsibility in relationships.  I am talking about relationships with; loved ones, friends, colleagues, employees, bosses, etc.

When we are in a relationship, we feel connected at some level and that connection can cause us both pleasure and pain. To live with  self-leadership we need clarity about how these connections work.

Let me ask you a question -  Do you have thoughts, can you think?

Of course you can;  so whose thoughts are they?

Yours of course!

Can you feel? Do you have emotions? If you are human then the answer is “yes”. So my next question is whose thoughts are they? Yours of course!

Why then is it that people say stuff like, “She makes me angry” or “My boss makes me feel inferior”? When people make statements like these, they have given away the control of their thoughts and feelings.

This is very common because we have been conditioned to feel responsible FOR other people in our lives when in fact relationship is about responsibility TO. When we are responsible for something it means we have some control. Step back for a moment and realise that the only person you have responsibility for, is yourself.

Now at first reading, this statement can sound extremely selfish and yet it is just a reality. If you are responsible FOR your thoughts and feelings and the other people in their lives are responsible for their thoughts and feelings, then taking responsibility for how other people think and feel is crossing a control boundary.

What makes this easier to understand is being clear about our responsibilities TO’. In my relationship with my wife, I am responsible to her for certain agreements we have made as man and wife. As parents and we are responsible to our children, in terms of providing food, shelter, safety, education etc… But we will not be responsible FOR what our children think or feel – they are learning to think and feel for themselves.

When I am coaching or training, I am responsible TO my client to provide my fullest attention and professional skill, I am not responsible FOR how they think or feel; they can do that themselves, and after coaching and training have greater awareness on how to do it.

Your relationships have an explicit or tacit agreement about how you are responsible TO that person. As an employer you may have responsibility TO your staff to provide leadership, training, coaching and the opportunity to make a wage. As an employee you have a responsibility TO your employer to contribute your time and talent towards achieving the mission, vision and values of the employer’s organisation.

So if you have felt dis-empowered by someone or felt overly responsible, revisit the situation and ask yourself, “Who did I feel responsible for?” and “What was I responsible to?”

By establishing clear boundaries about what we are responsible For and To, we live life with emotional intelligence and empower others to do the same.

So next time you are tempted to feel responsible for somebody else, smile and remind yourself you are only responsible for your thoughts and feelings, then check to what extent, if any you are responsible to this person. Trust me, it helps