Have you ever wondered why some people get what they want and others don’t?

Can I make a suggestion?

Remember a time when you really wanted something; something you couldn’t have right away but something you would have to wait for, you pictured it in your head, you imagined what it would feel like to possess it and you could feel the pull.

Now I don’t know what you imagined but if you did remember something, as I suggested you will have got in touch with a feeling; notice that feeling.

Creating imagination and feeling is the the secret power of influence.

It works like this; your brain was triggered to locate a memory or an imagination and finds the associated feeling that it has stored with this. Your brain is a huge neural network of associations and these associations are linked to your feelings and your feelings motivate you to act.

Knowing how the mind works is the secret to influence and creating the right associations in the minds of others will help you to get whatever it is you want. Do you want to sell more?  Motivate your employees? Get your children to come home on time? Find a special partner?

I have been interested in influence for many years and studied NLP, Neuro-Semantics, Cognitive Behaviourism and Hypnosis to understand how to communicate more effectively and to achieve my goals. When I first met my wife, I knew I had only one chance to make a first impression. It was a crowded environment and I needed to create a positive association and give her a reason to see me again. Using all my best influence skills I succeeded, and we now have two gorgeous children, Tasha and Nathan. Now my need for influence skills has increased! – if you have kids you will agree.

Having learned the secrets of influence it is now my pleasure to share these concepts with you. I have worked with companies to help their sales teams connect with customers, with their managers to influence performance and with coaches to facilitate change; I have even helped people to get a pay rise.

When teaching the power of influence I find most people grossly underestimate their ability to influence an outcome and are wasting opportunities. Moreover many people are creating negative associations that are creating the exact opposite of what they want.

Here is an example of negative associations. A good friend of ours is a committed doctor who wants to influence teenagers to make informed choices about sex and asked me to speak to the teenagers and coach their parents at a public forum. Consider how a parent’s good intentions could backfire if they don’t understand influence; telling a child that, “You can’t have sex until you are an adult,” can get linked in the mind as, “Having sex makes me an adult.”

Minds are amazing things – they create all sorts of associations, or cause-effect mental maps and not all of them are accurate. For example a phobic might associate snakes with danger to the point where they don’t want to leave the house. They have created a horror movie in their mind and this is creating feelings that paralyse. Just talking to this person won’t work – you have to demonstrate that their mental map is not accurate. This can be done by vicarious experience – having them watch someone else hold the snake.

Vicarious experience can create new mental maps as we role model the person engaged in a particular behaviour. This morning I was role modeling my tennis coach as he showed me a serve, then I tried to experience the same thing myself. So after watching others hold a non-poisonous snake, phobics are able to visualise themselvea holding the snake and finally able to take action and hold it themselves.

So in summary; to positively influence someone:

1. Create an image in their minds of them doing the required behaviour. This can be done by telling a story about someone, like them, that has engaged in that behaviour.
2. If possible show them someone else who is doing the behaviour you want to influence them to do.
3. Invite them to do the required behaviour and praise them for even the slightest positive action

Why else do you think that car salesman wants you to test drive the car and tells you how good you look when you do?

If you want to know more about coaching for influence, feel free to contact us.

Related posts

• What do Children Teach us about Leadership? (2)
• Creating a New Vision after the Meltdown (0)
• Winning the Communication Skills Game (0)
• What is Coaching? (1)
• Common Communication Mistakes (0)

Communication

Good communication skills are essential to lead yourself and influence others. Poor communication causes pain, conflict, loss of productivity and profit.

Listen to a  podcast on Communication Skills.

To win the communication game you must know and apply the rules of the game; and the #1 rule of communication is that -  All communication occurs inside a frame.

A communication frame gives the listener reference points to know how to handle the information they hear from you. A communication frame points the listener’s mind in a particular direction and when used correctly will create trust and remove misunderstandings.

Any time we say “In terms of …” we set the boundaries of the discussion and hence the frame. Often two or more people in conflict are actually discussing different topics or perspectives, using “in terms of…” allows us to focus on the specific topic or to challenge people who have gone off topic.

For example:

• “In terms of reaching a decision in the next hour, let me make this point…”
• “In terms of us working together in this team, how would you like me to interpret your behaviour?”
• “In terms of our stated budget, do you think this is a wise purchase?”

Here are some other simple examples of communication frames and how to use them:

The Workshop Frame:
“Just work shopping – what if we did…x”. This frame is great for putting ideas out; it reduces reactions because it sets the frame that it is ok for the other person to give input.

The Sharing Frame:
“I’m just sharing, this is the way I feel about… x”. This frame allows you to share your feelings without the other person needing to take your emotional state personally.

The ‘What if’ Frame:
“I know we have never done this before, but what if we did?” This is a great frame for setting for pushing the boundaries and creative thinking.

There are, of course, frames that you already use and many more you could learn to use. The frames we use in language often reflect our frames of mind, do you have a ‘can do’ frame’? Or do you operate from a ‘can’t do’ frame?

Training yourself to become aware of your frames of mind and frames of speech is a fundamental of self-leadership and using the technology of Neuro Semantics (an evolution of NLP) we can set frames for great relationships, health and even wealth.

Want to know more? For Communication Skills Workshops in Singapore, Australia, Malaysia, India or the Middle East  contact us.

Related posts

• Transformational Leadership (4)
• Change a Behaviour, Coach your Children, and other forms of Influence (1)
• What do Children Teach us about Leadership? (2)
• Confidence for Managers and Leaders (1)
• Common Communication Mistakes (0)