Did you know that your learning follows a path? Firstly you don’t know what your don’t know, which is a state I like to call “blissful ignorance.” On the learning path this is known as unconscious incompetence.

When you learn about something new you first enter a stage of knowing what you don’t know or can’t yet do;  this is known as conscious incompetence. This stage can be uncomfortable for adult learners as they feel awkward and self-conscious as they start practicing the skill. Many people have given up at this stage, think of those guitar lessons or yoga classes that you so eagerly signed up for. If the goal is important enough we push through the discomfort of not knowing and move to the next level, if you have learned to drive a car or use a piece of new software you know what I mean.

With practice comes conscious competence – you know how to do the skill although you might still need to pay some attention to the task. Think about when you just passed your driving test or learned how to ride a bike – you could do it but you were still a bit wobbly.

The next stage is unconscious competence where you can complete the  task automatically. If you can touch type your fingers know where the ‘Z’ key is without you even thinking. Unfortunately many people drive this way as they talk on their mobile phones and eat fast food whilst navigating the roads! Most people stop learning at this level as the amount of practice to achieve the next level of mastery does not seem worth the effort.

Finally there is consciousness of your unconscious competence – this is a high level of awareness of what you know and how you know it. At this level of learning the master of his or her craft seeks to find the fine distinctions that take knowledge or skills to new levels or into new contexts.  Many of us have experienced a teacher who knew thier subject (unconsious competence) but could not really teach it because they lacked a high level of awareness of how they do what they do.

To be an effective leader, teacher, coach or mentor we must understand the learning path and help our staff or students navigate it. We must remember the challenges we had in learning and share how we overcame these obstacles. It is too easy to become frustrated when it takes someone a while to get what we think is easy but we have usually forgotten to help them learn rather than just telling them.

Most importantly if you are stuck at conscious incompetence – ask for help, find a coach or someone who has mastered this before and ask them how they learned to learn the skill.

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Quick pop quiz: In the last 48 hours have you experienced significant levels of frustration, fatigue, muscle tension, irritability, anger, cynicism, negativity or a feeling of being out of control?

All of these are signs of STRESS.

Success in today’s fast-paced and ever-changing environment requires the ability to effectively manage our own stress in the face of an increasing number of stressors.

A stressor is something that causes you to experience a stress response. The stressor is the cause and the stress response is the effect. The stressor that triggers your stress response can be anything from a ringing phone to the driver in front of you changing lanes without indicating. The stressor may not even be something ‘out there’; it can just be a thought inside your own head.

The stess response occurs whenever we cue our mind-body system in one of two ways. Either we send a message to our brain of “Danger!” Or we send a message of “Enough! Overload!”

Either of these two messages cues the brain to send the body into the Fight/Flight response otherwise known as General Arousal Syndrome (GAS). GAS causes blood to be withdrawn from the brain and stomach and sent to your larger muscle groups; it causes adrenalin to be released into your blood making the heart and lungs beat faster, pupil dilation and sweating. In addition; fats, cholesterol and sugar in your blood stream increase, your stomach secretes more acid, your immune system slows down and your thinking shifts to a more black-and-white, survival mode.

In today’s business world we cannot succeed by physically fighting or flight, we therefore need to manage our thinking and behaviours to rise above the stressors.

The first step in stress management is awareness; awareness of the stressors in your work and home life and your usual stress response. Only through awareness and Self Leadership can we gain control and direct our energies towards successful actions. A strong word of caution, denial can be lethal both financially and physically, so take a moment now and think about what pushes your stress buttons?

Stressors include:

• Not enough time
• Not enough clients/business
• Being kept on hold
• Paperwork/bureaucracy
• People not being trustworthy
• Delays
• Interruptions
• Incompetence

Are any of these, stressors buttons for you? Anything  else?

What about internal stressors such as the following thoughts?

• “I’m not good enough”
• “I don’t know enough”
• “I don’t have the right connections”
• “I’m not smart enough”
• “I need to be perfect”

Do you have any of these thoughts or others like them?

When your buttons are pushed, either from and external or internal stressor, what is your response?

• Breathe holding
• Muscle tension, leading to headaches
• Anger, Frustration
• Shouting
• Depression

You have a choice to interrupt the stressor to stress response and break the cause-effect chain. You can manage your mind-body and emotions because it is this ability that determines the difference between success and mediocrity in any endeavor including business and sport.

Consider Tiger Woods as he steadies himself to take a long put at championship point, with thousands of people watching intently. Watching to see him win or lose. Could you handle the pressure? Well probably not, not without the practice and training that Tiger has had. You can however practice and train yourself to handle the pressure in your chosen endeavour.

Sporting greats such as Tiger Woods have a strategy for handling stress; let me share with you a strategy to propel you to success in your business.

Step 1. Know why you are doing what you are doing. We can withstand any what if we have a big enough why. Your ‘whys’ are you values, what’s important to you.

Examples of values are: Making a difference, independence, profit, caring for family, being in control, balance, health, happiness. So what’s important to you?

Step 2. Keep a note in your diary of when you become stressed and what caused it; this will increase your awareness of how you run your mind-body-emotional states.

Step 3. Interrupt the stressor to stress response. There are many stress interrupt patterns and the best is still breathing. When we start to go into a stressful state we tend to breath hold and tense our muscles, by consciously taking a deep breathe and slowly breathing out fully, you break the cycle. Practicing relaxation techniques is also useful to achieve this.

Step 4. Take the sting out of the stressor – burst its bubble.

When you identify a stressor, ask yourself this question “in terms of what I value, is it useful to get stressed about this?”

Comparing the stressor against your values shrinks it down to size. With the stressor now at a manageable proportion you can ask yourself, “What is a more useful behaviour for me to engage in?” For example if your stressor was not enough new clients, rather than engage in stressful worrying, a more useful behaviour would be to engage in marketing activities to secure new clients.

Step 5. See each stressful situation as an opportunity to increase your skills. Successful people have the ‘frame of mind’ that with every challenge is a chance to improve, they don’t beat themselves up, they focus on what learning’s they can take out of a situation.

By using this strategy you will take control of you mind-body state and so start to take control of your results. You may not be aware that all communication is dependent upon the state you are in. Have you ever tried to say, “I love you” when you are angry? The words are changed by the emotional state. We are all very sensitive to non-verbal signals and your emotional state is broadcasting to everyone you are communicating with. So if you are frustrated, angry or stressed this will be transmitted along with whatever you say. Since the quality of our communication has a direct correlation to our results it is important to manage your state of mind for success.

Between 1991 and 1992 Richard Branson was under attack. His Virgin record company was making money but his vision for Virgin Airways was being blocked by underhanded tactics from British Airways and a lack of support from his own bankers. When Branson blew the whistle on BA, the smear campaign saw the British papers with headlines calling him a liar. Branson could have cut his losses and consolidated his business to the profitable record company. His wife, friends and advisors all suggested that course of action but Branson is an optimist and refused to let the stress get to him. Dr Martin Seligman has discovered that the pessimist is at the mercy of reality, whereas the optimist has a massive defense against reality that maintains good cheer in the face of a relentlessly indifferent universe. It is my observation that the optimist by refusing to accept reality creates their own and therefore determines their results. Branson beat BA and went on to become a billionaire.

Will you back yourself and take charge of your success? Will you use your stressors as the fuel to improve your skills and move to the front of your field? Will you practice the skills daily and move from Stress to Success?

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As I engage in one of my favourite past times (people watching), I notice how different passengers handle the compression of their personal space. The ubiquitous iPod is everywhere as people use a wall of sound to block out their fellow travelers; but some are engaged in quiet conversation and others in deep reflection.

I had forgotten how trance inducing, train journeys are. It is easy to drift away into your own thoughts and gain new perspectives on life. I have had several conversations this week with people about how they gain clarity and sort through complex issues whilst bombarded with constant interruptions.

My host in Sydney has built himself a small sauna at his house. Being Finnish by birth, he considers sitting in a heated pine box and throwing water on hot coals to not only be sensible but necessary to his sanity. Yari, his name, says that he gets his greatest ideas in the Sauna and regularly uses his time there to solve problems.

One of the participants in the training course I am conducting shared that she does Pilates at home each morning and uses this time to clear out the mental clutter and focus on the key issues she must solve for the day.

Research has repeatedly shown that managers have little time to step back from urgent tasks and think critically; the constant interruptions from e-mail and co-workers makes it almost impossible to think creatively and consider alternatives to knee jerk reactions.

As an executive coach, I have often facilitated my clients to find a ‘special’ place and time where they can think without interruptions; that they should take a blank notepad and a pen and jot down or mind map their thoughts. Those that have followed through on this action have often reported that they were surprised how much more time they have gained because they became more efficient.

Of course you can continue to do your thinking in the car, the train, the shower or build your own Sauna at the office!

Oops this is my stop – blog later.

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It is a bit like if you were in a boat and have set your course, but the boat springs a leak and you spend your whole time bailing water and have no time to steer.

William Bridges created a model of change and transition that is highly relevant in today’s financial readjustment. When the collapse of Lehman Brothers started the domino effect of the global crisis, many of us would have experienced first shock, then denial, anger and fear. If you lost money or a job you might then experience grief, frustration, confusion, stress and loss of control.

As an executive coach and leadership consultant I have often witnessed this spiraling down into paralysis that Bridges calls the ‘neutral zone’. Symptoms of the neutral zone include ambiguity, anxiety and the absence of motivation. The cure for this paralysis is a new vision of what is possible.

Einstein said that, “A problem cannot be solved with the same level of thinking that created the problem.” When in the neutral zone, we are in a dark place and our ability to think optimistically and see possibilities is severely limited. What is required is a little magic, the magic of imagination. All of human achievement started with imagination, from running a mile in under 4 minutes, to imagining what it would be like on the top of Mount Everest to imagining walking on the surface of the moon.

A vision will inspire, motivate and engender creativity and it starts with using imagination to travel to the future when things will be better. The Executive who asks him/herself, “What is possible?” “What will we be doing when things are better?” To do achieve this we must take time to stop bailing the water in the boat and look to the shore. Most executives find this extremely difficult as they leave themselves little or no time to stop, step back and think strategically.

With a new vision of where you are going, you and your people will become more optimistic, think creatively and start planning actions that will move you towards success.

It was no surprise that Barack Obama beat John McCain; Dr Martin Seligman in his book ‘Learned Optimism’ talks about his analysis of US elections based on the number of positive or optimistic comments made by the candidates. Obama clearly offered a more optimistic view of the future and thus captured the popular vote.

Obama is being called a transformational leader because he:

1. Created a vision that inspired the American voters (and the world) to believe that there were new possibilities.

2. Stimulates people to think, to re-examine their ideas and find creative alternatives. Such an environment breeds imagination and innovation.

3. Treats people as individuals making people feel valued and encouraging them to contribute. He recognizes that people have unique talents, strengths and weakness and allowing for these differences without judgment.

The transformational leader must have what I like to call ‘realistic optimism’ which is a practical and pragmatic approach that is ideally suited to the current climate. Realistic optimism is the mindset that we can make the best of any circumstance; it is the acceptance that bad things do happen but with a healthy self-esteem and the confidence in our abilities we can overcome adversity, learn from the situation and be even better for the experience.

Optimism without right actions and following sound principles will not be enough. Lehman Brothers failed because of over-optimism and the senior management not being in alignment with their own company’s vision and values.

In the current climate it is tempting to focus on immediate need and make tactical rather than strategic decisions; I urge you to step back for a moment, get in touch with your personal or company vision and ask yourself, “Is this decision the right one for the long term?”

Andrew Bryant is the Director of Self Leadership International and is based in Singapore but travels extensively as an executive coach and leadership consultant.

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If the answer is “yes” to either of these, chances are you have been feeling responsible FOR other people.

A key component of  self-leadership is healthy responsibility in relationships.  I am talking about relationships with; loved ones, friends, colleagues, employees, bosses, etc.

When we are in a relationship, we feel connected at some level and that connection can cause us both pleasure and pain. To live with  self-leadership we need clarity about how these connections work.

Let me ask you a question -  Do you have thoughts, can you think?

Of course you can;  so whose thoughts are they?

Yours of course!

Can you feel? Do you have emotions? If you are human then the answer is “yes”. So my next question is whose thoughts are they? Yours of course!

Why then is it that people say stuff like, “She makes me angry” or “My boss makes me feel inferior”? When people make statements like these, they have given away the control of their thoughts and feelings.

This is very common because we have been conditioned to feel responsible FOR other people in our lives when in fact relationship is about responsibility TO. When we are responsible for something it means we have some control. Step back for a moment and realise that the only person you have responsibility for, is yourself.

Now at first reading, this statement can sound extremely selfish and yet it is just a reality. If you are responsible FOR your thoughts and feelings and the other people in their lives are responsible for their thoughts and feelings, then taking responsibility for how other people think and feel is crossing a control boundary.

What makes this easier to understand is being clear about our responsibilities TO’. In my relationship with my wife, I am responsible to her for certain agreements we have made as man and wife. As parents and we are responsible to our children, in terms of providing food, shelter, safety, education etc… But we will not be responsible FOR what our children think or feel – they are learning to think and feel for themselves.

When I am coaching or training, I am responsible TO my client to provide my fullest attention and professional skill, I am not responsible FOR how they think or feel; they can do that themselves, and after coaching and training have greater awareness on how to do it.

Your relationships have an explicit or tacit agreement about how you are responsible TO that person. As an employer you may have responsibility TO your staff to provide leadership, training, coaching and the opportunity to make a wage. As an employee you have a responsibility TO your employer to contribute your time and talent towards achieving the mission, vision and values of the employer’s organisation.

So if you have felt dis-empowered by someone or felt overly responsible, revisit the situation and ask yourself, “Who did I feel responsible for?” and “What was I responsible to?”

By establishing clear boundaries about what we are responsible For and To, we live life with emotional intelligence and empower others to do the same.

So next time you are tempted to feel responsible for somebody else, smile and remind yourself you are only responsible for your thoughts and feelings, then check to what extent, if any you are responsible to this person. Trust me, it helps

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