Have you seen the TV series ‘Lie to Me’?  Lie to Me is based on the work of Paul Ekman, a psychologist who has been a pioneer in the study of emotions and their relation to facial expressions. The show is compelling  because the main character can read when people are lying and appears to have an almost supernatural ability to read minds.

If you are in any kind of relationship; whether it be work, social or romantic the ability to read the other person’s thoughts and emotions about a topic will improve communication providing the skill is used ethically.

I have previously written about psychometric tests which are used in a corporate setting to understand employees personalities and get the best from them, but what about being able to read people on the fly? It is certainly possible and I have taught this skill to managers, coaches, trainers and even intelligence services.

To read people you need to learn to listen with both your eyes and your ears. People are always transmitting what they think and feel, the same way a wireless network is always sending a signal so that you can connect – it’s just that some people are more  encrypted than others!

Mastering the ability to decipher body language, speech patterns and micro expressions takes time but even the novice can get results by learning to notice what people are actually saying.

Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) provides an excellent framework for noticing and calibrating; eye movements, breathing, gestures and facial expressions. The language we use and how we use it gives clues to what’s important to us and topics we feel strongly about as well as our preferred way to process and respond to information.

Here are a couple of exercises to get you started:

Reading Yes / No

Ask a friend to not speak but respond to a series of questions with a definitive “Yes” or “No” in their mind. As you ask them questions that you know the answers such as; your name is, you are x years old, you like icecream – notice how they respond with their; eyes, face, mouth, breathing, jaw tension. When you are clear that you can read yes/no then ask them some questions to which you don’t know the answer and see if you can guess based on what you see. Once you have mastered this you can calibrate people in general conversation by noticing how they respond in the affirmative or negative. With this information you will never be left guessing about whether you have got the sales order or if they will call you again.

Reading Values

Values and beliefs drive behaviours and so if you can read someones values you can predict how they will behave. As you listen to someone notice what they talk about and particularly what they talk about with emphasis. Emphasis can be demonstrated by voice tonality, volume or non-verbal gesture. You can check your read by asking clarifying questions such as, “that seems important to you, can I ask what’s important about that?” This line of questioning delivered in a curious, non-threatening way will uncover values.

These exercise are just to whet your appetite and of course will improve with the right coaching from someone who knows what they are doing. If you would like to learn more then contact us at Self Leadership International.

This blog post is prompted by a conversation I had last week with someone who had just learned the hard way that not doing the right thing costs on the inside even when it doesn’t cost on the outside.

The dictionary definition of integrity describes it as having a consistency of actions, values and principles. I like to describe integrity as, “doing the right thing even when no one is looking”.

So how does not being consistent with your actions cost you?

When you say you will do a thing and you don’t carry it out, those who you committed to will not trust your word or future deeds and more importantly your unconscious mind won’t trust you either.

With Self-leadership we set a course to achieve an objective and we make commitments to ourself to follow through. Successful people understand that they must do what they say they will do because that builds, self-confidence and self belief to push through obstacles and rejection. Not following through on our commitments may seem easier in the short term but it will make the next thing you commit to less likely to succeed.

People who have started diet plans, exercise regimes or saving strategies know exactly what I mean. If you have quit before, you begin to self-doubt you ability to stay the course the next time and this becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Trust is a precious commodity, once lost it is most difficult to regain. By making sure your words and deeds are always in alignment you will never have to worry about losing trust.

When my friend told me about not fulfilling a commitment I told him that whilst I cared for him, I was now disappointed in his actions because integrity is such a strong value for me. He assured me that he had learned his lesson but I told him that he will only know this when he next commits to something and follows through, even if it costs him.

Walk your talk and make sure your actions follow sound principles and you will find life gets easier not harder. As wiseman once said, “where there is choice there is pain, the only true freedom is true commitment.”

It is a bit like if you were in a boat and have set your course, but the boat springs a leak and you spend your whole time bailing water and have no time to steer.

William Bridges created a model of change and transition that is highly relevant in today’s financial readjustment. When the collapse of Lehman Brothers started the domino effect of the global crisis, many of us would have experienced first shock, then denial, anger and fear. If you lost money or a job you might then experience grief, frustration, confusion, stress and loss of control.

As an executive coach and leadership consultant I have often witnessed this spiraling down into paralysis that Bridges calls the ‘neutral zone’. Symptoms of the neutral zone include ambiguity, anxiety and the absence of motivation. The cure for this paralysis is a new vision of what is possible.

Einstein said that, “A problem cannot be solved with the same level of thinking that created the problem.” When in the neutral zone, we are in a dark place and our ability to think optimistically and see possibilities is severely limited. What is required is a little magic, the magic of imagination. All of human achievement started with imagination, from running a mile in under 4 minutes, to imagining what it would be like on the top of Mount Everest to imagining walking on the surface of the moon.

A vision will inspire, motivate and engender creativity and it starts with using imagination to travel to the future when things will be better. The Executive who asks him/herself, “What is possible?” “What will we be doing when things are better?” To do achieve this we must take time to stop bailing the water in the boat and look to the shore. Most executives find this extremely difficult as they leave themselves little or no time to stop, step back and think strategically.

With a new vision of where you are going, you and your people will become more optimistic, think creatively and start planning actions that will move you towards success.

It was no surprise that Barack Obama beat John McCain; Dr Martin Seligman in his book ‘Learned Optimism’ talks about his analysis of US elections based on the number of positive or optimistic comments made by the candidates. Obama clearly offered a more optimistic view of the future and thus captured the popular vote.

Obama is being called a transformational leader because he:

1. Created a vision that inspired the American voters (and the world) to believe that there were new possibilities.

2. Stimulates people to think, to re-examine their ideas and find creative alternatives. Such an environment breeds imagination and innovation.

3. Treats people as individuals making people feel valued and encouraging them to contribute. He recognizes that people have unique talents, strengths and weakness and allowing for these differences without judgment.

The transformational leader must have what I like to call ‘realistic optimism’ which is a practical and pragmatic approach that is ideally suited to the current climate. Realistic optimism is the mindset that we can make the best of any circumstance; it is the acceptance that bad things do happen but with a healthy self-esteem and the confidence in our abilities we can overcome adversity, learn from the situation and be even better for the experience.

Optimism without right actions and following sound principles will not be enough. Lehman Brothers failed because of over-optimism and the senior management not being in alignment with their own company’s vision and values.

In the current climate it is tempting to focus on immediate need and make tactical rather than strategic decisions; I urge you to step back for a moment, get in touch with your personal or company vision and ask yourself, “Is this decision the right one for the long term?”

Andrew Bryant is the Director of Self Leadership International and is based in Singapore but travels extensively as an executive coach and leadership consultant.

Some years ago I wrote an article on  self-leadership strategies to manage yourself during tough times and thought is appropriate to post it to this blog.

Let me know by your comments if you find it useful.

1. Differentiate between self-esteem, self-confidence

Self-esteem is not a thing! It is a process. Self-esteem is not fixed it is dynamic. Self-esteem is a judgment on your esteeming or valuing. How do you value yourself as a human being?

Nobody gave you your dignity and so nobody can take it away. Your ability to think, emote (experience emotions) to speak and to act are yours and therefore highly valuable.

Self-confidence is a judgment about our capabilities or competencies. There are things we do well and things we have not yet mastered. Our self-confidence is just an audit of our skill sets and should be put into the context of ‘there is no failure – only feedback’.

When viewed in this light we can develop and build our self-confidence without ever effecting our self-esteem.

2. Don’t Personalise or Catastrophise

Understand that bad stuff happens, even to good people. The first step in learned helplessness is to make it personal, the “why does it have to happen to me” syndrome.

Asking the ‘why‘ question can send you into a downward spiral.

Recognise the boundary between you and the world – me/not me. This enables you to contextualise the problem or situation and work towards a solution. By clearly differentiating your self-esteeming from the problem you can maintain a more objective and flexible approach. Catastrophising or personalising limits our options and can immobilise us in fear or self-defeat.

3. Set out a time frame to solution

When problems arise they can trick us in to believing they are forever. If you buy-in to the belief that the problem is permanent then you will be paralysed by dark thoughts. Realising that “this too shall pass” mobilises us to seek resolution and move our minds in the direction of a brighter future when the problem is behind us.How long will it take to solve this?

4. Take the problem to bits

Questions can break a problem into its component parts or reduce it to a manageable size.

• How specifically is this a problem?
• In what context is this a problem?
• According to whom is it a problem?
• What is this problem teaching me?

The last question can be a real eye opener as it presupposes that we learn from challenges and therefore become stronger.

5. Gather your resources

What do you need to know or whom do you need to speak to? Einstein said, “problems cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them”. What resources can you access to raise your level of thinking?” Sometimes just speaking to someone can clarify your situation and enable you to see other possibilities.

6. Look after yourself

At times of stress we can often take the short cut to relaxation and turn to alcohol or sedatives. On the contrary it is it times of greatest problems that we need to burn off our stress hormones with exercise. Take the time to exercise, especially in the fresh air, as this can re-charge your batteries and give you the stamina to overcome your obstacle. Eat healthily, your brain and body needs their nutrients and whether this challenge is a marathon or a sprint, you will need the energy from good foods. One health food that is sometimes overlooked in time of stress is a large dose of laughter. Laughter has a remarkable effect on the immune system and is a major stress reliever. If necessary hire yourself a funny video for you daily dose.

7. Reaffirm your Values

What we value gives us the desire and passion to act. Sometimes during crisis we can lose sight of what we really value. This is not a time to let go of your ideals. By getting deeply in touch with your value and passion you find the energy and resources to overcome your problems. If it is worth having – it is worth the struggle. When you throw a javelin it is necessary to take your throwing arm and the javelin behind your head to gain maximum propulsion. So it is with life, that sometimes a setback can give you greater propulsion. Finally, remember that luck is an acronym for Laboring Under Correct Knowledge.

This is commonly called being in two minds. You might be in two minds about your career, your work/home balance, a business decision or a romantic commitment. Being in two minds is certainly not a productive or even comfortable state to be in, nor is it demonstrating self leadership.

We do not in fact have two minds, but one mind that has two functions; conscious attention and unconscious processing. When we are torn between two choices, it often means that we cannot consciously process a conflict that exists in the unconscious functions of our mind.

Modern living/working overloads our conscious attention and so we are mostly unconscious of our values, beliefs, identity, paradigms and intentions. It is the nature of these ‘frames of mind’ to operate automatically and so out of conscious awareness. This does not mean that they are inaccessible; on the contrary, self-leadership is about gaining awareness of our frames of mind and choosing frames that empower us.

During our Self Leadership workshops we explain and practice a number of methods for gaining focus and resolving the inner conflict of being in two minds. For blog readers I invite you to try these two exercises.

1) To resolve the conflict using your conscious mind; identify the two choices – For example, some time ago my wife, Zurina, was in conflict about having a family and continuing with her career. Take one choice and ask yourself the question, “What’s important about this?” The first answer that comes to mind is the right answer for you, write this on the bottom of a piece of paper and ask the question again, “What’s important about this?” Write the answer to this above the first answer and ask the question again. If you keep asking the question as instructed you will get a ladder of intentions/values that drive you to consider this choice.

Now repeat the process with the other choice using a separate piece of paper. When you have completed the process, compare both pieces of paper and notice the hierarchy of intentions and the similarity of the intentions between both choices. Take the highest common intention and ask yourself, “What action will allow me to be true to my highest intention?” The answer might not be either of the first two choices, but a completely new choice or a fusion of the first two.

2) To resolve the conflict using your unconscious mind; hold out your hands in front of you, palms up. Because your unconscious mind thinks in images, allow it to create an icon or image of the first choice to appear on one palm. Now ask it to create an image of the second choice on the other palm. Using your power of imagination float up and look down on the two images, and cause them to spin from palm to palm. As the two images spin faster and faster they will merge and a new image will emerge. If the new image was to tell a story what would that be? Now you have your answer.

When Zurina did this process, on the one hand she saw a baby and on the other herself working at a desk. When the icons spun, the image that emerged was of many people. The story she told was that she could achieve her work objectives by project managing many people. The results of this process are, our children Tasha and Nathan and the multiple associates that now work with us.

Still stuck? Then make sure you come to one of our workshops or contact us if you would like to work with a Self Leadership International coach.

Without wanting to oversimplify a complex topic, I would like to share an alphabetic approach to leadership.

Asking the right questions
Being the right person
Choosing the right vision and values
Doing the right things

Asking the right questions

The quality of your life is dependent on the quality of the questions you ask. For example if you ask “Why is this all messed up?” then you will be answered with blame or justification, however, if you ask, “What can we do to fix this?” you are more likely to get co-operation and solution focused suggestions.

Leaders are skilled at asking questions of themselves and others. A question can be a thousand times more powerful than a statement for creating change, because people will often resist being told but their brains will automatically go in the direction you send it with a question.

The right questions assist a leader to get accurate feedback. Instead of accepting generic comments such as that was ‘good’ or ‘bad’, the leader will ask – “How specifically was it good/ bad? Against what criteria?” “When was this done?” “How specifically was it done?” “And who was it done with?”

Questions enable a leader to coach and to be coached to improve performance. So, what do you need to question?

Being the right Person

This refers to your self-matrix – your human being rather than your human doing. Outstanding leaders have a high degree of self-awareness. They know their own strengths and limitations and accept and appreciate these.

Effective leaders have a high level of self-belief in their own greatness and the responsibility and persistence to make their goals and visions come true. Leaders are aware of their mind-body-emotional state and how to be in the right state for the right task. Self-leadership includes being aware of the ‘triggers’ that set you off and so being able to regulate your behaviour even when provoked.

Choosing a Vision and Values

Leaders have intention – they know what they want to achieve and what they value. Leaders can clearly communicate those values because people are motivated by a leader who knows where he/she is going. Have you considered your vision for 2009-2014? Common modern leadership values include – courage, integrity, contribution, and acknowledgment. What do you value?

Doing the Right Things

Leaders have and develop certain competencies. They constantly source information via networking. They have the ability to read people and know what motivates them. They give credit to others first before taking it for themselves. Most importantly leaders are prepared to ACT and act NOW.

What do you need to do this week that will move you towards your vision?

So how did you measure up to the ABCD’s of leadership? How does your boss?